Gratitude

Photograph by FX Vargas

It may seem strange to some, but lately, I have been happier and more at peace than I can remember. I have been gifted with the most beautiful daughter in all the world, I have a wonderful husband, and friends...so many friends! I am continuously amazed and humbled at all the love I am receiving, right now. Even people I've only just met on Facebook are sending me words of strength and encouragement. I really am quite lucky.

I know I'm still at the beginning of a difficult road, but this journey holds so much wonder and so much to be thankful for. There are some scary bits. I recently learned that after chemo, I'll have to undergo my mastectomy and then do 6-7 weeks of radiation before I can start reconstruction. That's the only part that really bothers me. I'm a little afraid of that time without any breasts. Maybe it bothers me more than it should, but I know there is no way around it. I know that in order to survive this, my body has to be brutalized and mangled before it can heal. I keep reminding myself that George had to go through worse...they removed a sixth of his brain, and even that couldn't save him.

Yes, I am lucky. Even though I'll be feeling like hell, the farther I get into treatment, I'm kind of grateful for this. What I have been given is time...time to ponder, learn, see, dream, create, and love. Aside from focusing on getting better, I get to enjoy freedom from other obligations for a while. I get to be with my little family. When I'm not resting, I'll be able to write, bead, visit with loved ones...I might even get back into drawing. The most amazing part in all of this, is the constant encouragement, and kind words I am receiving from countless others, some in other parts of the world. Even strangers have been showing such touching support. They tell me to hang in there, be well, take care. They send me love and it feels genuine. I receive words like strong, beautiful, brave, and warrior, daily. This is not to brag, for I am humbled almost to the point of speechlessness. A lot of the time, I feel that these sweet well-wishers are being far too generous. I could ask what I've done to deserve all this positive energy coming my way, but I don't think it's about what I've done. It's about what I do with the rest of my days. It's about earning what I'm receiving by the way I live from here on out.

I could never thank any of the people reaching out to the capacity that they deserve. Some levels of kindness are beyond my ability to repay. So I shall do the next best thing. I will live my life the best way I can, and I will pass kindness and love onto others. I will remain in a state of gratitude and work harder at taking the good from everything and sharing what I can of it. I know it is easier said than done at times, but it it something to be conscious of and work toward.

This bliss, this calm, this place of introspection, is a wondrous state of being. I know it won't last forever, but I think it will be easier to find from now on. It may be strange for someone who can't even pay the bills to say I have so much, but I have so much. And to everyone who has and will continue to show me love and kindness...thank you. A thousand times, thank you.