A few of my friends have warned me about how divorce messes
you up mentally and emotionally for a while, but wow. I was not prepared for
this. I think what makes it so painful and confusing for me is that I was
already in the process of trying to find the real world again…trying to get
back to life. I was still in a semi-state of limbo and then BAM! And
unfortunately, the whole thing has gotten a lot uglier than I could have
foreseen (no I shan’t be sharing details. You’ll have to wait for my book).
So here I am, trying to figure out how to support myself
financially while caring for my daughter, dealing with the lingering
side-effects of cancer treatment, continuing surgeries (oh we’re not done yet
folks), waiting on back-disability pay for the duration of my treatment,
licking my emotional wounds from my little family being unceremoniously torn
apart, trying to shake my inner artist awake, and the list goes on…
I know, I know. It’s kind of whiny isn’t it? At least I feel
like it is at the moment. I’m not sure if it’s been made obvious yet, but I can
be extremely prideful. Too often I expect myself to be able to stand tall, wielding
my claymore fearlessly when inside I’m a crumpled, insecure heap, soggy with my
own tears. Why do I insist on hiding this? I’m going through an unbelievably
massive load of tumultuous events! It’s okay to fall apart, sometimes! It’s
normal! It’s HEALTHY! Perhaps I’m fearful of becoming that whiny “poor me”
person who nauseates people. I’ve been her before and it wasn’t pretty. Maybe
fearful isn’t the right word. I think TERRIFIED is a better one. I’m already
feeling awkward in my interactions with some people. I’m questioning and
second-guessing virtually everything I do and say. I’m so afraid that I’m
losing myself, but the really strange part is…my closest friends have recently
told me (just yesterday, in fact) that it’s good to see me BEING myself again!
Really they aren’t wrong. I’ve had quite a few days of feeling my true self
scratching through the cobwebs and coming back to the surface. She’s definitely
a better version...Rissa 2.0, if you will. I guess now that I see her…err, ME
coming home, it’s that much more frightening to think of losing myself again.
I’ve never done the “one foot in front of the other” thing
very well and maybe that’s something I should practice more. I have always
tended to lose patience with myself rather quickly. I want to be stable NOW. I
want to be healed NOW. I want to move forward NOW. But it doesn’t work that
way. Somewhere between cancer and divorce the whole world went crazy and it’s
not something you can just hack through with a sword. This jungle, these
thorns, must be carefully navigated one piece at a time. There are treasures to
be discovered and recovered. To rush through this is to miss them and risk
going in circles, ending up right back in the same dark place.
Perhaps I should follow the advice I gave to a friend.
Always remember to look at the sky in all its beautiful forms…and breathe.
Oh god, how this song makes me cry...but it's so true. I think we all just want to be good.
