So much for taking a nap.
It's been about a week and a half since
I had my very last chemotherapy treatment. Just as I was coming out
of feeling like crap, I was blessed with a stomach bug. Blech.
Finally, I'm beginning to feel human, again. I know there is still a
long way to go, and more frightening things are in store for me
before this is all over, but being done with chemo was beginning to
feel pretty good.
I had just settled down for a
power-snooze, not too long ago, when my surgeon's office called. I
now have a pre-op appointment scheduled, and a tentative date for
surgery. This is really happening. They are going to take my breasts.
I know that's not the end of it, and I know that I'll be getting new
ones after radiation, but still...it's sitting like an ominous
silence in my gut. I don't want to do this. I don't want to go
without breasts. I know the ones I have are small, and believe me,
I've heard all the jokes. I could try to play it off like there's not
much there to lose, but there is. They're MY breasts and they're a
part of me...even though they tried to kill me.
I guess it's like ending a bad
relationship. Just because it's for the best, doesn't mean it won't
be traumatic and painful to sever. Sever...that is suddenly such a
frightening word. I know I'll get past this, and I know that I'll be
able to choose the boobs I want as my reward for making it through
all this shit, but right now, I just want to run and hide from it.
I spent a few minutes sitting in the
patio garden, after I hung up the phone. The pre-fall breeze felt
good, even as the tingling of dread began to rise in my thighs, and
my head began to swim. There is no running and there is no hiding.
This is going to happen.
How do I sever the dread?
