Purging the Poison

Eliminating a poisonous situation from your life sometimes involves consequences. Today, I feel like I cut a piece of my heart out. However, had I not, the poison may well have corroded the rest of my life and I could already feel it turning me sour. Self-preservation it seems, can come with sacrifice. As I spent the majority of my afternoon and evening blinded by angry, bitter and mournful tears, I pondered the validity of my actions. Am I just needlessly alienating people and making enemies where I don't need to? Is this justified? After much deliberation, I decided that by removing this poison and eliminating these people, one of whom I love beyond all definition was all I could do for the time-being. The situation had just become too painful and this person whom I love comes with a stack of woes that I am presently ill-equipped to handle. He didn't get it and I don't expect him to. As his somewhat understandable seething toward my actions cauterizes this amputation, my need to protect myself and my little family are the only bandage I have. It weeps as I do but for now, it's what I've got. I wished him well and expressed my love then hung up the phone in a crumpled mess of sobs and rage. It shouldn't be like this. It really didn't have to go this way...but it did. Now it's time to pick up the pieces, embrace what I am protecting and hope that eventually there will be a cure for this. There has to be. I just have no way of finding it at this time.

It is not the first time I've had to eliminate a person from my life and I'm sure it won't be the last. I spent years as a doormat, taking on the problems of others to be bludgeoned by drama-filled consequences in the end. It took a long time to wise up and learn to protect myself. Even if cutting someone off completely seems drastic (and sometimes it is), self-preservation has become that important. I've learned the hard way how far and deep betrayal can go. I've suffered great emotional and even a little physical damage in the past by not seeing a situation for what it was until it was too late. In recent years, I've gotten quite good at “cleaning house” without batting an eye and seldom feel sorry for doing so. I will not allow continuous pain brought by repeated toxic interactions with the same person or persons to cloud my already complicated life. Today I did feel sorry, though. What's keeping me sane through it is knowing that although it hurts, for the time being, I have brought myself and my little family some peace and quiet.

I'm willing to accept the idea that in the end, I was in the wrong...if there even is a wrong in this situation. Let me rephrase that: I am willing to accept the idea that my actions were not the most wise or beneficial. However, at this moment, while I suffer the loss, I can at least be sure that I acted in the best way I knew how for the moment and it was not just about protecting myself. Becoming a mother is changing me and my defensive claws are much less likely to stay hidden. I just hope that as I gain in ferocity and protectiveness, I also gain wisdom...even if it comes with pain. 

A walk back to myself.

For a short, blessed time this afternoon, the chaos broke and I stepped out of the apartment and into nature...into myself. With the sun overhead and the wind as my guide, I ventured down the same path I've traveled many times over. My bike is still broken, so today I used my feet. Walking was better today, anyway. As the playful and loving cool lifted my hair and my heart, guarding me from the heat of summer, my feet took me back...back to where I used to go to feel the pulse of everything; my “moments with Akasha” as I call them. As usual on these journeys, I was accompanied by music. George's iPod is still in need of repair, but I had my phone loaded with songs (some of them his favorites), ready to travel with me, ensuring passage from the mundane and into my own place of magic.

It had been too long. I feared that I was losing myself to hardening brought by the explosion of turmoil that has had me spinning and floundering through the duration of this pregnancy. I feared that I was losing this part of me. It seems that this isn't so...not entirely. Here in the mundane realm, the hardening is still taking place. I feel it like a stone shell coating my skin and my resolve. But even with all of this madness, all of this hardship and pain, when I step back into that place, I am fluid once again. I am particles of air and my spirit rides the summer breezes as my feet find connection with the center of all things, spiraling inward and out again...moving like deep and peaceful breaths. This time, I have someone with me. My little miracle, riding in my belly, taking a sacred walk with Mommy.

It occurred to me that I have been two people for so long, becoming one again might feel strange. Is that why women get depressed after they give birth? No matter. It will be the greatest gift in the universe to hold my baby in my arms and as my child grows, we will still take walks and bike rides together. I will show my little one where I find the magic and hopefully, I can pass that gift on.