Even with its allergens, autumn is my favorite time of year.
It has long been “my time”. It’s when mind, spirit, and senses come out of
hibernation whilst all other things are preparing for dormancy. Even as the
morning is wrapped in a sleepy mist I am celebrating the vibrancy within and as
the leaves dance to the ground in their fiery hues I am thinking of the Phoenix
rising again.
The Phoenix…Violet Phoenix. The name chosen for my precious
daughter is more than just an interesting combination of words. Violet was my
English grandmother’s name. She was a very strong woman and a rebel for her
time. Violet is the color of the crown chakra. Violet is the color of the
sacred flame. The Phoenix has been an important part of my life for many
reasons. For as many times as my world has burned to ashes, I always manage to
rise from the pain, rise above the past, and I am learning to rise above my own
demons. Phoenix was my 19 year-old cat and most faithful companion until I was
pregnant and it was time for her to leave me. Phoenix is new life after death.
My daughter is the life that came to me as I was still in the throes of grief
from the loss of my sweet little brother. Violet Phoenix…a powerful and
personally spiritual name that I chose for the most precious thing in my world.
This coming Sunday is Violet’s birthday party. She’ll be two
on Monday. My beautiful child is no longer a baby. It was only two nights ago
that she managed to escape from her crib, signifying the time to move her over
to her lower bunk bed. It’s been quite a lot of work to get her to stay in bed
and stay asleep. Daryll had to go in and sleep snuggled up to her last night.
Tonight will be my turn. It’s funny how advancement in child-rearing can sort
of mimic the earlier times. It almost feels like the time after we moved her
crib from our room to hers. It was new, strange, and a little scary for her.
This is the same, only now she is able to get out of bed without an obstacle. She’s
getting so big and she is very tall for her age. She is my cute-patoot, my leggy
blonde, my Droolie Andrews, my monkey-face-pooh-bum-bear, Frogger, Faerie
Liebchen. She is Violet; she is the brilliance that emerged from the darkness
and she is my dearest love. She is also the best thing about my cancer because I
have been able to be home with her since day one and have been able to watch
her grow.
I know that at some point I will have to return to the job
and school worlds and this precious time will end as all things do. But I am
certain that I am close to ready. In the meantime, I continue to work at my
jewelry business. I am now in two local stores. As it turns out, Celestial
Awakenings took my wares after all. There are consignment contract papers and
everything!
Since I’ve made the conscious decision to let go of fear,
resentment, and the invisible chains that have bound me for so long, things are
getting better. I am letting go of my negative thoughts surrounding money and
struggle, opening myself to abundance, and banishing PTSD one shadowy tendril
at a time. Is my life perfect bliss? Of course not! Does it need to be? My
answer is no. There are ups and downs and I’m okay with that; it’s an
adventure!
So much is changing, I can feel it. It’s taken a long time
but it is never too late to realize that you can change your world just by
changing the way you think. Even in the midst of the same prowling troubles, I
am feeling lighter and I am very close to feeling like myself.
