Another phase of metamorphosis. Another journey
within my journey. At the moment, the sky is a cool grey and my coffee is a
warm brown. At the moment, there is Sesame Street, Kate Bush, a feeling of peaceful
joy, and a sense of quiet relief. My handmade creations are hanging on the wall
above my computer, waiting for buyers to fall in love and claim them. To my left
are a dozen roses that my husband surprised me with the other night. They are
opening, sage is burning, and my youngest stepson is about to try Vegemite for
the first time.
It’s quite amazing, really…how easy it is to let go
of the anger, negativity, and fear that holds us captive. And it’s baffling how
we make it so complicated. Less than a week ago I was still suffocating under
the weight of that darkness and uncertainty. All it took was a healthy fight
with my husband to clear the air, a couple of amazing and enlightening videos
we watched together, and the mutual decision that we didn’t need all that
negative energy anymore. Yes. That’s all it took. I know that a week is not a
long time to say that my life has changed, but it has. It really has.
Tuesday was quite a solidifier for this new sense of
being; this new and renewed positive energy-flow. I’d had a really good therapy
session which also opened my eyes to some new things and I was on my way to the
store for some things we needed. As I came closer to the local metaphysical
shop I had been dying to go into but was afraid to because we are always so
broke, without thought or self-debate, I got into the turn lane and took a left
into the parking lot. I had passed it so many times before. I had let fear of
money stop me from exploring what I knew I would find to be fascinating. I
looked at the back door of the shop, which is a lovely converted
craftsman-style house, and wasn’t sure if that was the right entrance so I
walked around to the front door. It was locked, but I saw someone inside so I
knocked. I was let in by a beautiful woman who struck me with curiosity right
away. She explained that people usually use the back entrance to which I
laughed and apologized. As I immersed myself in the hum of a room full of
beautiful stones, what would have typically been a feeling of social paranoia
and self-doubt was instead a feeling of peace and vibrant freedom.
Immediately, a flow of conversation was started that
felt so natural, so opposite of the intense self-consciousness and over-analysis
I usually feel. Was it her? Was it the stones? Does it even matter which? The
best thing is that I was open and allowing myself to take in the positive. I
spent about two hours talking with this wonderful person. I looked at rocks and
picked one out that felt good to hold. She showed me some books and I picked
one out that seemed to be the most beneficial for my current circumstance. I
found the white sage bundles and picked one out along with some incense and a
purple candle. She had showed me a lot of amazing things, but my money fears
were starting to creep in which we also discussed. It was a wonderful couple of
hours, but I had things to do and so I paid for my things, and thanked my
wonderful new acquaintance for everything. We even exchanged business cards and
friended each other on Facebook. Before I left, she mentioned that the owners
might be open to allowing me to put some of my jewelry there on consignment.
This was funny to me because for once I wasn’t concentrating on jewelry sales.
It does seem like a nice possibility however, so I’ve made a note to myself to
follow through on it. If it doesn’t work out, I’m perfectly okay with that. It
wasn’t the purpose of my visit anyway.
After running the rest of my errands, I came home and
Daryll took the car to do something that I can’t remember. Violet had lunch and
went down for a nap. I finished my own lunch and decided that some music and
sage-burning were in order. Melechesh was the music for the moment so I turned
it up, lit my sage bundle and suddenly I was dancing throughout the apartment
in joyous circles, waving the sage as if it were a sorcerer’s wand. I felt
light, free and open to all the good in the world. I felt like myself…my real
self!
Yesterday was rent-day. As Daryll was out getting
the money order for the office, our internet was suspended. We took care of
both, which left us with only $14 to go the rest of the month. This is where
the challenge still comes in. I know I need to let go of my negative attachment
to money (or the lack thereof). I know that in order for it to flow better, I
need to treat it with less importance. However, when you still have the car,
insurance, and a cell phone bill, that you have no way of covering, how do you
let it go? How do you release the worry? I called my mom as I always do, to let
her know the situation. She has been helping us to keep our heads above water
for almost the entire duration of my cancer experience and while she does it
with love and understanding, it has been a source of great stress for all of
us. While it did put me in a state of mild anxiety, requiring a dose of
lorazepam, it still didn’t hit as hard as it normally does. It took extra work
to focus on the continued feeling of positive energy but I made the decision to
take it easy on myself. One day of lorazepam is better than every day, which I
had been moving toward before things changed.
One evening of anxiety does not mean failure. It
means I am human and that everyone gets these feelings from time to time. I
still managed to have a pretty good night’s sleep and today I woke up more refreshed
than I ever remember feeling. Things are good. It’s just a matter of
remembering that. I have realized that I have been feeding the money-monster
way too much and in turn, he has been feeding off my fear and stress. I know I
have work to do in this area and I will keep going to therapy. Do I still have
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Yes I do but I feel less intimidated by it now.
I feel open to healing the wounds old and new. Instead of trying to shut it off
and barely function, I’m diving in. I’m accepting the problems and the pain so
that I might let it all go and free myself. It feels like tiny fishing hooks
stuck into me with lines tying me to the negative things. It’s okay that
everything hasn’t healed at once. Instead of painfully tearing them all out at
once, I am choosing to carefully and lovingly remove the hooks a little at a
time, accepting and appreciating the lessons they brought, and then letting
them go. While I am uncertain of how long it will take, I’m not worried about
it. Everyone has negative attachments to deal with. Everyone has bad days and
foul moods. The difference lies in accepting it and letting it go. I am no
longer interested in remaining stuck. I am no longer interested in negative
attachments. It’s time to live…to really live.
