I don't need to go into huge detail. It was a call center. Call center work can be grueling in and of itself due to the fact that people are much more likely to be abusive to you over the phone than in person. It really can take some getting used to. There were good days and bad days as far as the calls were concerned. Some days, I dealt with people who made me smile. Some days it felt like everyone who called was a mean-spirited asshole. My favorite calls were the ones that started out with someone screaming or threatening and ended with things like, "Thank god! You are the first person who has ever helped me! I'm sorry if I was angry. Thank you so much!". I really felt like I accomplished something on those calls and they actually made me feel good about my job.
So yes, call center work has its ups and downs and it can be mentally and emotionally draining. That is something I can deal with. When you add to it a ruthless, vindictive manager who thrives on controlling people with fear, what could be a tolerable and even enjoyable work environment becomes a living nightmare. My bully boss was a woman and I wasn't the only one who had trouble with her. She made life miserable for most people and as is often the case, the company didn't care to do anything about it, despite numerous and valid complaints. She was a textbook case of the queen bee boss. I know this, because she was just awful enough to spark my feverish studies of relational aggression and abusive bosses. What I learned was that you really can't defeat them. All you can do is get away from them.
So why did I stay so long? I mean, I was truly miserable. We're talking, sitting on the sofa, sobbing myself stupid before work, miserable. I had multiple reasons. I needed the insurance, the job market was (and still is) absolutely awful...mostly, I was afraid. Being the sole income provider and barely surviving made jumping into something else highly risky. I felt stuck, as did a lot of my colleagues, and she used that fear and feeling of helplessness against us with a merciless fury. Just about everyone went through periods of being picked on before she moved onto someone else. She was clearly a miserable person and had the constant expression that lead me to wonder if someone farted and only she could smell it. I wanted to get away from her so badly but I just couldn't figure out how. I was sick of her demoralizing lectures and inappropriate comments behind closed doors. I was tired of wondering what sort of abuse I would endure during my next employee evaluation or what kind of inappropriate judgments and threats she would make whenever I got sick and couldn't come to work.
I won't go into detail about the events that lead to my freedom as there is nearly a novel's worth. I will say that after the death of my brother and the near-fatal wounding of my ex-boyfriend only a month and a half later, I learned a lot about how fragile any circumstance can be and that there are no guarantees. I had already been a part-time college student for about a year, supplementing my income with grants and loans. After an inexcusable act of emotional abuse by this horrible woman, it dawned on me that it was time to make my escape, no matter how frightening or risky. I bumped my student status to full-time, increasing my school income to almost what my job brought in and I submitted a week's notice. Telling her to her face that I was leaving was one of the most thrilling and empowering moments of my life. She couldn't control me any more.
I walked out of that pit of despair for the last time exactly one year ago and I am still positive that it was one of the best things I've ever done for myself. I realized that even though it can take a while to find the exit, we are not always as stuck as we think we are. I wish more of my former co-workers would come to this conclusion and free themselves. This past year has been full of uncertainty, tremendous financial struggle...and extreme gratitude. I still have nightmares about her on occasion, which I've read is fairly normal. They won't last forever. Besides, I've already had a confidence boost from the work study job I had for a few months afterward. It was quite a change going from one female boss who belittled and abused me to one who actually said I was an asset to the company! It was sad when work study funds were cut. I found a lot of healing in that place and much of my dignity was returned to me.
So, today as I muddle through maddening algebra assignments, I am also pausing to be grateful for the leap I was finally strong enough to make. Now, for the first time in my life, I see a future unfolding before me. It isn't with out its struggle and uncertainty but I am much stronger and I have vowed to myself that I will never allow myself to live through that kind of abuse again. I will never allow myself to be controlled by fear.
Some time before I made my escape, a friend of mine had freed herself from a bad situation. This is what she said it felt like. Now I know that feeling, too. Very powerful!
