To say I’ve become inconsistent with my writing would be an
understatement. So much of my timeline is a blur these days. Perhaps that’s
cause to write more. I would like a clear picture to look back on. As usual,
there have been changes. Some of them quite large.
It’s been a nice stretch out of the hospital. The
capecitabean (oral chemotherapy I was on) stopped working. I chose an
intravenous method which has rendered me bald, once again. The day after my
fourth cycle of this new drug, I was informed that my tumor marker had been
knocked back over 50%...FIFTY PERCENT!!! That is amazing. That is huge! It has
me living in possibility and gratitude! It has me planning for what I want the
future to be.
We financed a car today. It’s a 2015 Volkswagen Passat.
Gorgeous deep, sparkly gray. We had been hoping to avoid car payments, as our
finances have been frightening as of late, and we were doubting anyone would
work with us anyway. However, Jesse now has a little income, and my credit score
has been going up bit by bit. We needed a reliable car, especially after my
Taurus died a few days ago, I’m talking not worth the cost or trouble in
repairs, two-ton paperweight. Jesse’s Jeep was in bad enough shape that fixing
it was also going to cost more than we were prepared to spend. Fortunately, it
had trade-in value, and Ron Tonkin was willing to work with us. Boom! Car. We
drove it home today. It was certainly a bizarre experience. We walked in, were
greeted kindly, and things really looked grim. I even puked during the test
drive…into an empty coffee cup. Imagine my surprise when we qualified for a car
with payments we can manage! Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond the realm of
cautious. Jesse and I are both a little squeamish about it. It had been nice to
pay off the Taurus and have no car payments for a couple of years. Still, this
car is already a tremendous improvement to our life. It’s safe, it’s in fantastic
shape, I could go on. It’s nice. After all we’ve been through, we deserve it.
It’s been becoming apparent to me that I’m living in what
feels like a completely different realm of existence from those surrounding me.
Here I am, with this serious illness, I just turned 40 (oh yes, that’s a thing
that happened…February 6th. I’m 40 now), I have an ex-husband, and a
daughter. Why do I feel like my life is just beginning, sometimes? It’s like
everything has been gearing me up for what’s happening now, or what’s soon to
happen. I can’t quite describe it. I feel it, like light managing to peer down
at you when you’re beneath the ocean. It’s that sliver, that crack, that flash
of color that paints a sudden, possible future. The things I want seem closer
now, and what’s better, is that I already have so many things I wanted that I can
now be grateful for. Is it life with my wonderful Jesse that’s doing this to
me? Is it the fountain of smiles and laughter, and beauty, that is my sacred,
sacred daughter? It’s worth it. Everything has been worth it. It’s not perfect.
In fact, it’s far from perfect, but it’s good. I have reasons to be happy and
they are not getting lost on me as they once were. It’s fantastic and
impossible to recount all the things I’ve learned and all the secret glimpses I’ve
gotten of the universe. And I do see a future. I really do.
