It’s been crazy around here. A lot is changing and I’m not
as good at keeping up on things as I was (which honestly wasn’t great then,
either). I’ve been hospitalized a couple of times. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and
New Year have come and gone. David Bowie died.
As I sit here, listening to the Starman’s last, really last
album, I identify with it so much. I don’t understand his meanings behind all
of his lyrics, but I can hear where the cancer is speaking through his last
masterpiece, and I have some of my own definitions floating in from it. I
decided a while back, just before Christmas, that this isn’t going to kill me.
It isn’t allowed to. Not like this.
This is my third battle with this beast and frankly, it’s
getting old. I have been accomplishing so little. I couldn’t figure out why
when the treatments are so much less harsh this time (one oral chemotherapy
medication. I get to keep my hair and everything), am I so very exhausted?
Today I finally figured it out. Before, I had help with everything. Now I’m
doing this as a single mom with a part time job, trying to keep attending Krav
Maga training (you know I’ll go nuts if I don’t), and managing a household,
phone calls, appointments, bills, car problems. I’m so tired…
…but I’m not giving up.
Of course I’m not relying on chemo alone. It’s already been
stated that it won’t save my life, just prolong it a bit. Well then, I guess I’ll
just have to save myself. Through the love and assistance of amazing people, I
have been able to start taking Rick Simpson Oil (Phoenix Tears), and I’m still
attending Krav when I can. I’m slowly transitioning into dietary changes and
will be taking a blood test as soon as I can manage it, so that I can have my
diet optimized for my life and conditions.
I have Violet, and she is the future of the world. She is
the love of my life. She needs me and I need to be here for her. Jesse is by my
side most of the time, helping me through this. I have friends and family all
over the world, encouraging and supporting me. I’m also extraordinarily
stubborn. Don’t get me wrong, this is terrifying, and sadness and anger visit
regularly. Sometimes the days get jumbled and confused. Today nausea came for
me as I was driving to work and I had to come back home. My Monday is now
becoming another blur as I type in my bed, letting cannabis sooth the sickness.
But I’m here. I’m alive. Even when I have a tube stuck in my back, draining
fluid off of my left lung, even when I’m dizzy from medication, and even when I
can hardly eat, I’m alive. I’m fighting. I don’t know how not to.
Today is rough. Today is scary. But that’s today. I will
rest and recover and I will pick up my sword tomorrow.
Photo by Jesse Lanier
