The hospital gowns are quite cozy when you wear two of them
On Wednesday, it will have been a month
since surgery. I'm no longer taking pain medication of any sort, even
though I'm still uncomfortable a lot of the time. The mobility in my
arms has increased significantly, although the left one is lagging a
bit, due to the removal of 14 lymph nodes. It's taking a while for
the glue left from the surgical tape to come off, because my chest is
still very tender, and I can't really scrub it off...but it's slowly
washing away to reveal clean skin surrounding the two large scars,
where my breasts and nipples used to be.
Before surgery, I half-jokingly asked
my surgeon if I'd get to keep my favorite freckle. It sat just to the
right of my right breast, just a couple of inches before my armpit. I
don't know why, but I always liked it. It was cute. She said I could
keep it, and I smiled about it, even though I knew I'd be losing so
much more.
As I began my recovery, I could not see
whether it was still there, or not, due to the surgical tape. The
tape eventually came off, but as mentioned above, the sticky residue
lingers. I thought about my freckle, and occasionally wondered if it
had survived the operation. As more time passed, I began to think
that it was probably gone, and decided to dismiss it.
In this parallel existence, there are
days full of color, and days in which it's all been coated in a wash
of gray. Both leave me feeling full of experience, but disconnected
from the real world. This is not a bad thing, really, but sometimes I
need to feel human again. I need to feel like I'm real. The things
that bring me that feeling, come in various shapes and sizes,
different lengths of time, and some are complete surprises.
Sometimes, they snap me into my body with a vividness, and a full
breath. Life flows in, clearing the sleep from my perception.
Today, that moment came, after I got
out of the shower, and began getting dressed. Before covering my
chest, I examined the changes in tape residue, and remembered my
long, lost freckle. Looking in the mirror, I turned my attention to
where I felt it should be. At first, I didn't see it, but looking
more closely, I could see how the shape of everything had changed.
The place where my freckle had been was gone, but the freckle itself,
had in fact, just moved a little. The tape was clearing from where it
now sat, exposing the little brown dot I had periodically wondered
about. As I leaned into the mirror, I touched it, and tears came to
my eyes. Maybe it's silly that something so small meant so much. It
was certainly unexpected...but I cannot describe the relief that
washed over me to see that I had one more thing I get to keep. I
smiled through happy tears, as I was snapped back into my former self
just long enough to really feel alive, and then the vividness
rippled, and the haze of non-reality took back over. I came back into
my parallel place, carrying a gift to sustain me for the day.
The rest of the day brought a trip to
the Cancer Center, with its friendly staff and large, mysterious
machines, followed by some bizarre exchanges with friends. There was
an argument with one, a misunderstanding with another, and a warm
visit with yet, another. All of them ended more positively than they
began, which is a good thing, all around. Now, as I should be heading
toward bed, I am reviewing the events of the day, and I'm realizing
how some of the people in my life have been like my freckle; not
always in sight, and sometimes faded from mind as time passes, but no
matter the circumstance, the resurfacing is a happy surprise that
snaps me back into where I need to be.
There it is!
