This time I came prepared!
Another trip to the hospital, via ambulance. This trip, I’m
staying the night for observation. The pain in my esophagus only just subsided
recently, and I was elated to see it go! That was some of the most intense and
difficult pain I have experienced in my life. For a month, everything I ate or
drank was like swallowing broken glass. Even with heavy narcotics and
lidocaine, it was pure torture. I reached the point of not being able to eat
more than one meal a day, and that was usually eaten slowly over a couple of
hours. Almost every swallow had me pounding the wall or furniture with the side
of my fist. I lost weight, and obviously Krav was out. Now that it has passed,
I’m dealing with a strange and crazy sort of pain on my left side, stretching
to my back and sometimes my chest and abdomen. We’re not sure what’s causing
it, so here I am. Since my lengthy stay here in October, I have had to deal
with some intense, continuous pain of one sort or another with only a couple of
fleeting breaks.
I have been working very hard at changing the way I think;
using positive thoughts, energy, and motivation to better my relationship with
myself as well as work more harmoniously with the laws of the universe. The Law
of Attraction states that what you focus on is what you get, whether it’s
something you want or not. Now, this means practicing mindfulness with our
thoughts and sticking to language and ideas that promote and bring about the
things you want. It is also very important to practice daily gratitude. I’ve
been getting rather good at it, except when the pain overwhelms me. That is
where I’m struggling. Of course, it’s perfectly normal and okay to have a bad
day once in a while, and as important as practicing positive ways of thinking
and being is, allowing for occasional sadness, anger, discomfort, or even a
healthy dose of self-pity once in a while are acceptable and important.
However, it is vital not to dwell in those places. It is important to place
focus on the positives and the wants over the negatives and don’t wants. We’ve
all known that person who complains about everything all the time. And what
typically happens to them? They keep getting what they complain about and then
some. It’s a vicious cycle that continuously feeds itself and I’ve been stuck
in it on more than one occasion. Many people would not blame me at all for
being miserable and negative considering my current circumstances and the
horrendous traumas leading to this point. But that’s not how I want to live or
feel; not anymore.
My current situation puts me in an odd spot with my studies
and practices concerning the Law of Attraction. I have already experienced a
massive positive shift in my life, just by practicing daily gratitude and
setting up positive intentions for each day. However, the longer I live in such
severe physical pain, the more difficult it has become to focus on the
positive. How do you focus on positive over pain when it is right there,
forcing your body to feel it every day? How do you take the focus and energy
away from something that is so intensely pervasive? I am not a wimp. I have an
extremely high pain tolerance by this point, and there have been more times
than I can count as of late, in which the pain had me crumpled in a ball,
sobbing desperately for a break. I know I can get past this, but how do I
practice gratitude when I’m suffering so? Don’t get me wrong, I still do my
best. I still look at and think about the things I’m grateful for, but how do I
cut off the pain’s energy supply? Am I just bringing more to me by letting it
get to me? I’m so new to all of this. I know there’s an answer and a way to do
this. I just hope I find it soon.
I suppose, though, the most positive thing I can take from all
this pain is that I now know without a doubt, that I am one tough motherfucker.
Growing up as a very shy, strange child, an “Ugly Duckling” if you will, and a
meek one at that, there were two things I frequently focused on and asked the
universe for. I always wanted to be beautiful and I always wanted to be strong.
The beauty part is subjective where others are concerned, but I do finally see
my own beauty and it’s taken my whole life. I am also strong. I may not be the
strongest in the world, but I do know that I have more strength than most, and
I’ve earned it. I’m not talking physical strength so much as strength of psyche
and of spirit. Do I crumble at times? Oh Hell yes! I also insanely explode once
in a blue moon. That’s okay, though. I believe that sometimes falling apart is
the only way to build something better. So now that I’ve crumbled again, how do
I most effectively use my focus? I hope the universe provides me with an answer
soon. Until then, I’ll just keep trying and falling until eventually I’ll get
that whole flying thing down. Then just watch…
