For a short, blessed time this afternoon, the chaos broke and I stepped out of the apartment and into nature...into myself. With the sun overhead and the wind as my guide, I ventured down the same path I've traveled many times over. My bike is still broken, so today I used my feet. Walking was better today, anyway. As the playful and loving cool lifted my hair and my heart, guarding me from the heat of summer, my feet took me back...back to where I used to go to feel the pulse of everything; my “moments with Akasha” as I call them. As usual on these journeys, I was accompanied by music. George's iPod is still in need of repair, but I had my phone loaded with songs (some of them his favorites), ready to travel with me, ensuring passage from the mundane and into my own place of magic.
It had been too long. I feared that I was losing myself to hardening brought by the explosion of turmoil that has had me spinning and floundering through the duration of this pregnancy. I feared that I was losing this part of me. It seems that this isn't so...not entirely. Here in the mundane realm, the hardening is still taking place. I feel it like a stone shell coating my skin and my resolve. But even with all of this madness, all of this hardship and pain, when I step back into that place, I am fluid once again. I am particles of air and my spirit rides the summer breezes as my feet find connection with the center of all things, spiraling inward and out again...moving like deep and peaceful breaths. This time, I have someone with me. My little miracle, riding in my belly, taking a sacred walk with Mommy.
It occurred to me that I have been two people for so long, becoming one again might feel strange. Is that why women get depressed after they give birth? No matter. It will be the greatest gift in the universe to hold my baby in my arms and as my child grows, we will still take walks and bike rides together. I will show my little one where I find the magic and hopefully, I can pass that gift on.
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