As I readied myself for bed, a conversation with my neighbor had me contemplating the changes that take place within us when the unimaginable actually happens. I told him about watching my youngest brother George die last year and how it was followed shortly by seeing a dear friend survive a severe car accident and how his horrific appearance in the hospital scarred me. I compared the two, almost surprised by the differences and similarities in their impact. My dear friend (who also happens to be my ex-boyfriend) survived and yet, seeing his condition was in some ways more traumatizing than standing over the fresh corpse of my own brother. Although he's alive and doing amazingly well, his appearance in the hospital was the worst thing I've ever seen. I'm not sure what state I'd be in if he hadn't made it. That's not to downplay the impact of losing George, of course. Here I am, at this silly hour, awake with pregnancy-induced heartburn and the knowledge that without his death, I would not likely be carrying this life within me. It doesn't keep me from missing him every day and I am haunted by his absence. I am not the same. I will never be the same.
These things that we couldn't imagine happen to us and they change us forever. Every thought, feeling, and action taken becomes something entirely different than it was before. Life-changes that were too scary to reach for become the only logical choice and the knowledge that nothing is guaranteed, how frail everything is, fully takes hold. It was only last year, all that tragedy...not long ago at all. It's amazing how quickly the universe can become a different place and how permanent the changes are. I will never be the same after what I've seen and I am becoming what I possibly never would have. Life is full of moments that alter our course, shaping us into who we are. Few of them have the impact that last year's events had and will continue to have as long as I live. The reminders are constant, although I usually let them blend into the scenery, aware that it's just how it is. It is now a permanent part of my universe. Reminders of the changes in myself and my world still come up. Only a couple of weeks ago, when I lost my most loyal companion of 19 years, old wounds were re-opened and sprinkled with new salt. Even through that pain, I marveled at it...its hugeness and also its staggering simplicity.
Do I still cry? Yes I do. These memories come to visit and things resurface as I'm sure they always will, only less frequently as time goes on. Sometimes they are barely a ripple and other times, they strike with a dizzying blow. But always, always, they are there just as I am always here to feel them. New events will arise. Some will be joyful, some earth-shattering. This will go on. I will go on...at least until the day that it comes to claim me and shatter the world for someone else. On that day, I hope my leaving also offers a gift. You can't stop it from happening, but you can take the good from it. You have to. I can't change the pain, but I can accept its gifts. I choose to accept the gifts and I will spend the rest of my days learning from them.
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