I spent most of today in bed with severe dizzy spells. Apparently that can happen when you're pregnant. When I spoke to my OB's office a while back about it, I was told it had to do with all the extra blood in my body due to me and Baby. So apparently, it's nothing serious. Today was the first time I had a problem with it all day, though. Very frustrating. The apartment is a mess and Husband has been out and all I can do is lay in bed. As if I didn't already have enough to be frustrated about.
It seems as of late, that no matter what I set out to do or feel, something squashes it. It can be a random and weird circumstance, the words or actions of another or how I'm physically feeling. It's as if nothing is going the way it should and it's confusing me. I've been finding myself feeling something between rage, despair and just plain bewilderment.
Am I doing something wrong?
I'm trying, really trying to enjoy this pregnancy and get my school obligations out of the way without letting the weight of everything else crush me. What should be the happiest time of my life has instead, turned out to be the most distressful. How does that work?
Don't get me wrong...I have moments that are good. Right now the latest stray kitten Husband found is perched between myself and the keyboard, warming my spirit as best he can. For little things like this, I am grateful. They may be all that's keeping me sane. The rest of the time, when I smile and come off like things are going well, I feel so false. It's like I've put on this pathetic plastic shell and I'm hoping no one can see the places where it's cracking. Right now, at this moment, things do not feel okay. I don't feel okay. Does that make me ungrateful or just human?
I'm trying to make sense of this. I'm trying to learn and grow, taking the changes as they come. However, some of the changes I'm seeing frighten me. I'm learning that I am very resilient, which is something I never would have seen without having it pointed out to me. That part, I feel good about. What bothers me, is watching and feeling myself harden. It's one thing to be strong. It's another to be hard. My skepticism and general mistrust of others seems to be growing. More and more, I dread relying on anyone else for anything as I feel like I'm constantly being let down. As much as I sometimes want to fault the unreliable parties for this, I also fault myself for needing them in the first place. With each letdown, I harden a little more. Then I get angry with myself for not being able to do it on my own. I get angry with myself for being so incapable. Whether the people I surround myself with are unreliable or not, shouldn't even be an issue.
As much as it frightens me, sometimes I wonder if I should embrace this hardening, take comfort in its coldness. Maybe the “free spirit” I once was just doesn't have the survivability to be of any use. I miss her sometimes, that free-spirited me who soared on thoughts, music and whatever beauty captured my eye. There were so many sacred moments, so many things to write and dream about. That me was passionate, poetic and artistic. That me it seems, is either dying or falling into a deep sleep. That me just doesn't seem to fit here anymore and it aches to think about. More and more, my survivability seems to depend on practicality, skepticism and icy resolve.
Transformation is often painful and sometimes it should be so. When the pain gets to be overwhelming, I still have that temporary escape inside my head, but it is brief. Every time I emerge from that mental chrysalis, I see the changes and I wonder what I am to become. Whatever it is, I hope it has a purpose. I hope that I don't lose myself completely. I guess that's what insomnia and purring kittens are for. They soften the edges just enough to keep me in check.
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