What can happen in a year...

I knew it had been some time since I last blogged about anything. Still, I was a bit surprised to discover how long. So much has happened. So much has changed, I’m not even quite sure where to begin. I’m still doing chemotherapy and have just started on two new types, intravenously. I’m bald, with a giant tattoo on my head. Yes, I said tattoo on my head. So, I suppose I should start there.

I decided that since I was going to have to be bald again, I should make the best of it. I’d seen pictures of cancer patients getting elaborate henna tattoos and decided that a little cranial décor might just suit me. This was during the time in which I was really focused on manifesting good into my life, mainly with the intention of completing my Reike Master training in Mt. Shasta on a retreat that would be sure to change my life.

Financially, the retreat was looking rather bleak. I had no idea how I was going to raise the funds I’d need to attend, but I set my energy toward it anyhow. I had to be there. I had waited and learned, chasing my mastery for several years with many disruptions and setbacks. It was time to finish the journey. This is where inspiration for my tattoo came in. I felt something related to the crown chakra would be perfect with what I was aiming to achieve. I’m not sure at what point I decided to go from henna to permanent ink, but when I did, it felt perfect. It felt right. My next task was to find an artist and get a price so I could start raising the money I’d need. At some point, on the retreat side of things, an anonymous sponsor who had heard my story came forward and funded half of what I’d need for the retreat. I was floored. It meant so much that someone out there, whom I’d never met (to my knowledge, anyhow), cared and believed in me enough to do such a thing.

I was blessed in the tattoo department as well. Almost as soon as I made my first Facebook post asking for advice on where to go, I was gifted the work from the wonderful Jeremiah “Gingerbeard” Beale out of Holdfast Tattoo in Seaside. He and his wonderful wife have come through for me in other beautiful ways, too.

Things came together. My sponsor ended up funding my trip in full, and in two sessions, my tattoo was completed with only a few weeks until my training. Mt. Shasta and my training turned out to be a monumentally important and beautiful journey. Even with all that’s happened since then, I’m immensely grateful for the experience and always will be.

Shortly after returning home, I had to go in to see a dermatologist about some strange marks on my abdomen. A sample was taken, and after a nervous wait, I was informed that it was more breast cancer…it had spread to my skin. This information knocked me back, to say the least. I had just returned from a profound, life-altering, spiritually powerful retreat and training. I knew things would be different when I returned home, and they were. I was different…I’d been split in two. I had emerged from my experience as a fully trained healer, and my cancer was spreading at the same time.

I went through radiation treatment for it. My discolored abdomen was covered with silver dollar-sized blisters. I actually went to Faerieworlds with bandages beneath my corsets. Ironically, the compression helped my burn tremendously!

Any further pursuits involving Reike had to be placed on hold, as it was apparent that my health needed to once again take center stage. The next several months are a tumultuous blur. There were several hospital stays, changes in medications, and a dangerous drop in weight. My personal life suffered a serious blow when my father rejoined Facebook.

I won’t go into too much detail, but after his behavior became abusive, I started to relive the hell of my childhood and all the abuse he put me through. Looking at all the years I just wanted him to love me for who I am, I’ve had to come to the conclusion that he never will. At least this time he was dumb enough to share his abusive comments publicly on Facebook, so all my friends and family could see it. I have not read his nasty tear-down as I was strongly encouraged not to. I did receive a few screen shots of the comments left and updates from Jesse and a couple of others. I got the “highlights”, if you will. It’s nice to know my dad thinks I’m so worthless and that I should give up on “reaching for the brass ring”, no adventures, no getting help. I should just wait at home to die; this all being communicated between insults and false statements. My father thought he could tear me down on a public forum, but I’ve come long way from that frightened child he used to scream at and belittle because I had an independent way of thinking, and a vagina. I spent a few days crying and spewing rage at the walls before coming to the conclusion that he had to be eliminated from my life completely and permanently. It’s been a few months, and I haven’t had any contact. The more time that passes, the more I feel that it was the right decision.

Time since then has been largely spent on a roller coaster. I’ve been in and out of the hospital quite a bit, and my mother is staying with us for a few months to help me stabilize. I recently dropped to 108 pounds. My normal weight is 130-135. Needless to say, things were scary for a while but I feel they’re improving. I managed to work my way back up to 120lbs and I’m currently working on getting to 130. I’m on two chemotherapy drugs, one week on, one week off. I’ve also recently been seeing a naturopathic oncologist along with my regular doctors. My insurance doesn’t cover it, so I’m having to raise the money to do it. My mom has been helping a lot. I’m slowly implementing some lifestyle changes. One of those was to step away from my beloved Krav Maga. It hurts like you wouldn’t believe. I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out and kicked across the street during rush hour.

Tonight, as I sit in a dark room at Legacy Hospital in Salmon Creek, I am having to make more decisions about my treatment that are very emotionally taxing for me. The cancer has returned to my skin, and it has spread. The fluid around my right lung is rebuilding at an alarming rate, so it looks like I’ll be having a small drainage tube in my body, so I can drain it at home and stay out of the hospital so much. Do I want this? No. No, I do not. When these changes take place, it feels like the cancer is fighting back and it scares me. I had a couple of good cries today.

Things have definitely become strange. I’ve become that sick person that no one wants to visit. I’ve had a few people come by on occasion, but for the most part, people tell me to contact them if I need anything. So when I started reaching out for help, I was met with the sound of crickets. I’m trying not to take it personally. People have busy lives and I know that seeing a formerly healthy person so weak with cancer is scary and uncomfortable. It reminds them of their own mortality and let’s face it; that can be very uncomfortable and kind of scary. It was really depressing and hard to accept at first, but oddly enough, I’m becoming a lot more of a hermit. I’m enjoying the solitude more and more. A visit now and then is okay, but most days, I’d rather be left alone. The solitude has become my companion, my safety cave. I have my mom, Jesse, and Violet, and really that’s all I need. This may change at some point, I don’t know. Financially, things are a disaster. I’ve been too sick to make jewelry, but I think that is going to improve very soon.

So here we are: Jesse, Violet, my mom, and myself in a strange situation. I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I’m doing what I can to get better and they are trying to help. There are still a lot of changes to be made and I’ve got a lot of old wounds to heal. Mom is doing her job remotely from the living room, Jesse is going to school, and Violet is also in school, as well as the Boys and Girls Club, and karate. Keeping my girl in a routine is important right now. She needs structure, and I am doing all that I can to provide that for her. That child amazes me every day. She’s changed so much since starting in kindergarten. It’s almost like she’s someone else with how quickly she’s blossoming and I marvel at all that she is.

So yes, it’s been a year of many changes, and I’m sure it’s not over yet. I work very hard at being positive and invoking the Law of Attraction into my world. I still have my days, though. The anger and melancholy still manage to creep in and it throws me into a hopeless and painful depression. Just today, I had a good cry about it. I’m determined to live. I’m determined to raise my daughter. I must win this for her. However, some days, it feels like the Universe just wants to ty with me and beat me down. I was working so hard at becoming the person I want to be, and I was getting close. Then, out of nowhere cancer knocked me back with a critical blow. Sometimes I get so angry. I have never been one who likes to whine about things being unfair, but well; this is fucking unfair. There. I said it; and that being said, I think I’m going to take a much-needed rest and work on how to maneuver my way through this mess. Fair or not, there are still things I need to figure out and accomplish. Giving up isn’t an option, no matter how desperately I want to some days. So here I go, one step in front of the other, one day at a time. There’s a destination in the distance and I must get there. I must do it for Violet. She is everything to me, and I must see to it that she goes into life with the same confidence and strength I see in her every day (even when she’s being a butt, lol)! I just hope I can pull this off. I don’t have a choice.