Almond Milk

A warm cup of almond milk, with vanilla, cinnamon, and nutmeg...my insomnia drink. I don't know if anything in it actually helps, but perhaps the warm comfort is all I need. This autumn has been mild and pleasant, even with the last few days of heavy rain. But with winter closing in, I am already feeling the promise of its chill. Opeth is the music for the moment. Something about it feels fitting to decorate the walls of my limbo at this time. As much as I know I'm going to feel like hell in the morning, sometimes I find more truth and sight in these sleepless hours, than I do anywhere else. It is MY time. I belong here. Once the noise in my head has established the pattern for the night, and it gets me out of bed, I am often rewarded for doing so, and as stated above...punished for it later. This is fine. There is nothing a nap won't cure.

I need this. I need the time to think, sort, re-prioritize. While it's nice to reconnect with the “real” world as I am walking this landscape, I have found that I need to back away, as well. I am on a very important journey, and I prefer to focus on what I can learn from it. Parts of me may be missing, but if I continue to look and learn, I will walk away with so much more than I lost. There have been too many distractions as of late, and I have been spending too much time getting involved in the lives of others. This is not what I need, right now. It only leaves me feeling more alien and exposed, even with my awesome new “stunt breasts” to make me look somewhat normal. Having visitors from time to time is good. I like staying connected, but in short bursts, and from a safe distance.

I have started my second week of radiation. So far, it's not so bad. In fact, I kind of like the fact that I have to get up every morning to do it, because that way, I can get myself on a decent schedule for Violet. Even in limbo, I'm a mother. That will never change or become less important. My daughter and my husband are really all I need, most of the time. I know that when this is all over, I'll have to return to that other world, so I'm doing my best to enjoy the solitude of this one. Even though I know I'm going to get better, and it's what I want, I sometimes wonder if I'll miss the quiet of this space. Even though I still have a long way to go, it will be over before I know it, and I'll have less time for such introspection. There are things I want from this. Not just my life...that's a given. I want to learn to let things go, release burdens, move on, and grow. I want to shed the self-doubt I've carried all my life, embrace my strengths, and become the best version of myself that I can. Being able to do that seems even more daunting than cancer, sometimes. Nevertheless, it's what I need to figure out how to do. I must be careful in what distractions I let through, and I must learn a new way of living. I've shackled myself long enough.

I get a lot of people telling me that they don't understand how I manage to laugh and smile as much as I do. I have a hard time answering that one, because I don't know how else to be. In fact, I've feel more at peace than I have in a long time. No, I don't enjoy having cancer. Maybe part of me is just relieved to have a break from the mundane. I'm sure that must seem very weird, but it's true. I get to stay home with my baby girl, and be here to see all the things she does and learns. I have the freedom to work on jewelry and art. Yes, money is tight, but that's nothing new. I'm enjoying my quiet life, with my awesome little family.

So, I guess that's enough rambling, for now. I think I'll finish my cozy beverage and try to get a nap in. Yesterday, the radiation machine was down, so I got a day off. I doubt it will happen two days in a row.