Getting Up

Today (yesterday, since it's now past midnight) I completed my ten-day radiation course on my spine. It was bittersweet, much like last time. As I sit here awake, trying to soothe my burnt esophagus with cold chocolate almond milk and dilauded (poor thing got caught in the crossfire), I am missing the wonderful staff there. I even miss Seymour a little bit. My long-time readers might remember that Seymour is the name I gave the radiation machine.

"Feed me Seymour, feed me now..." ~Little Shop of Horrors

 One of the techs was from last time, and she remembered me which had me floored, since I have breasts (fake ones, but still) and hair now. Plus, that was a few YEARS ago. Jesse says I'm a memorable person, but that's been a difficult one for me to grasp with my history of being an ugly duckling and feeling invisible most of my life. It was good to see her again, despite the circumstances, and the other techs were amazing as well. I'm really going to miss them, but mostly I’ll miss Dr. Siddiqui. Our interactions have been brief, but very meaningful. He’s not just a good doctor, but a genuinely good human being with a lovely soul and we have the best conversations! I’m sure there will be a checkup or two with him at some point. It will be nice to get to say hello.

There is a stereo in the radiation room, which I could hook my phone into. This time around, I was drawn to Wardruna. The drums, the chants, the sounds of Earth, the magic of their songs…this is what I needed as Seymour rotated his great head around my body sending radiation from beneath and then above me. Where I suppose many would feel weak and drained by the experience, I felt empowered. I felt alive. Music has always been magic to me. While I am in no way religious, I consider myself to be a deeply spiritual person, and music is one of the things my soul rejoices in the most. My time with Seymour and the techs became an almost spiritual practice with Wardruna guiding the ceremony. It was a strange sort of beautiful. What was strange about today was that one song in particular, my phone chose to play twice. This has never happened before, so naturally I took it as something I need to pay attention to. I believe deeply in the little messages the universe sneaks in. The lyrics are all in Norse, so I looked up the translation of this specific song. I’m not sure how it applies to my situation other than the fact that I believe in dwarves and other fair-folk. “Warrior” is also a title given to me by many, and I’m learning to embrace it. And hey, who doesn’t love to party with a little ale, huh? I shall have to delve deeper into Norse studies, which I already have an interest in.

“Beneath dwarfs of the hall

Swells sound to its sides

Between table rows

Dance of fire passing for the vent

Flickers in eyes,

They steal glances at skirts

Where warriors sit

cheerful in the beer-hall

Drinking toasts from the ale-bowls

the bard strikes his strings

The dice its silent chant

Your fortune and fate

Where warriors sit

cheerful in the beer-hall

Pertho is a bottomless source

of fun and games

Where warriors sit

cheerful in the beer-hall”

Even though I’ve only just returned, I chose not to attend any Krav Maga training this week. I had forgotten how very exhausting radiation is, and with regular pain meds on top of that I was absolutely wiped. I’m learning to listen to my body and sometimes it tells me I need to rest. So rest, I did…sort of. There has also been a frenzy of reorganizing and moving furniture in the apartment. I have also been busying myself with delving fully and deeply into the study and practice of using the Law of Attraction as introduced to me in “The Secret” documentary and a couple of the corresponding books. So far, it seems that the most important part of getting the Law of Attraction to work in my favor means continuously practicing and expressing gratitude. And you know what? Call me crazy here, but…it seems to be working! The more grateful I am for things, the more things seem to be going my way! Am I “out of the woods” yet? Does it matter? I’m on a journey, an adventure! So, I have stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. So, I have PTSD. So what! Those things are not who I am! Most of my life has felt like a complete shit-show, but that doesn’t matter anymore. In fact, I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful for the lessons, as they have served to temper my steel. I am finally accepting the fact that I am an incredibly resilient person and one of the strongest you might meet. This doesn’t mean I never crumble. Strong people crumble, and then we get back up. I have always gotten back up and I always will. This time, added to my quiver is the arrow of gratitude to shoot into the darkness of doubt and fear. I am ready, I am getting up, I am grateful, and I am fierce.

Poor hand positioning here, but this was after three months of no Krav and two weeks in the hospital