Unwanted Thoughts

I can’t remember ever being truly afraid of death. There are methods of dying which horrify me a bit, but as for the state of being no longer alive, not so scary. There was even a dark time in my life in which I was rushing toward it. Don’t get me wrong. It has long been my wish for an extensive and happy life, but I also accept that death is something we all experience eventually.

Somewhere between treatments, the cancer snuck back into my lung. As far as I know, my tumor index is still much lower than it was in the beginning, but I don’t know what this means number-wise. Really, I don’t care what it means at all in numbers or in words. I just know that it’s trying to get the best of me. It started as a silent invader and is still as stealthy as ever. And for the first time, fear is creeping in along with it. Even as I drink a mug of tomato soup and type at my computer in my warm apartment, a line of ice is making its way down my spine and there’s a paranoid tingling at the base of my skull.

Just the other evening I had several moments in which I almost lost my composure in front of Violet. I felt as if I sat too still, I would begin to shake and tears were already beginning to stir. I had to leave the room to ensure that she wouldn’t see me in distress. I was hoping I would be able to shrug it off by the next morning, but even today, it clings tenaciously to the back of my psyche, springing forth when least expected. It happened again today as I was driving to my Krav Maga class. Violet was in her car seat and I was listening to Wardruna on the stereo. I had enough distractions to keep it from becoming overwhelming. It was more like a continuous dreaded thought peeking out behind my eyes. Even now, I feel it sending its reminders, as if it wants me to know it’s watching me back.

Now this in no way means I’m giving up. And it doesn’t mean that I’m accepting the diagnosis as “no cure.” It just means that for the first time, I can see how formidable this thing can be. I’m feeling its presence as if I’m being possessed by a malevolent entity. Somewhere in all of this, it began to feel like something sentient. Its attempt at takeover is purely hostile and destructive and it’s grinning at me. Mocking me. It wants to win. I won’t let it. I can’t let it; but for the first time, I’m absolutely terrified.