Confessions of a Former Ugly Girl

A few months ago something remarkable happened. I don’t remember what I was doing or where I was going that day. I just remember that when I looked in the mirror, for the first time in my life, the ugly girl was gone. Now I had outgrown the ugly duckling phase many years ago and I knew it. In my adult life I’ve had a lot of days when I looked at my reflection and saw a pretty face but I could always see where the ugly girl had been and where she might still hide beneath the surface. This was different. She had completely vanished and I didn’t even notice her leaving. She didn’t make a scene, didn’t leave a note…it was as if she had never existed at all. What’s even better is that she hasn’t returned since. I don’t see her anymore, not even in the morning when my hair is a mess and I have no makeup on. When I look at myself I see a genuinely pretty woman. Sure I have what some would call flaws. The dark circles under my eyes, my crooked ear, and funny nose still exist and they aren’t going away. I don’t mind them though. They add to my unique appearance. Maybe they even add to what makes me pretty though I can’t say for sure.

Is it because I have been working so hard on my self-esteem? Is it my new boobs and flatter stomach? Is it because I’m a mother now? Mothers carry a special kind of beauty after all and people do frequently tell me how much my daughter resembles me. She is absolutely gorgeous! Perhaps all the compliments I receive regularly finally sank in. Maybe it’s all of the above. The important thing is that it happened. I escaped the clutches of the ugly girl and I didn’t even have to watch her finally slip away as an unwanted afterthought. I certainly remember her. I remember what it was like to be her and I definitely understand what Janice Ian was talking about, what Tori Amos shared, and even Christina Aguilara’s words have a special place in my heart.

While I’m glad she’s gone, I also don’t want to seem ungrateful. She taught me a lot of things. She is probably a big part of why I’m a nice person, a compassionate person, an imaginative person. I vividly remember sitting on the flimsy old swing set in the backyard of the house where George was born. I don’t think I had passed 2^nd grade yet. I sat there under a grey sky feeling awkward and ugly, wishing that I would one day grow up to be beautiful. Obviously it had greater importance to me then than it does now. I learned a long time ago that the most important beauty radiates from within and that the outside is just a casing. I guess that’s why I found it to be such a pleasant surprise when I saw that pretty woman in the mirror. I hope with all my heart that I can show Violet that she’s beautiful inside and out. I hope she always walks with a generous heart and her head held high.