Blessed by Friends

Wow. What a day. It started by getting up much later than I'd intended...but that happens a lot, these days. I hadn't even had my coffee yet, when a man in a yellow hat pounded on our door, and handed Daryll a slip of paper informing us that he was here to shut off our power. Nice. For those who wonder, during the summer, there is no law to protect you from such a thing. He tried to talk the guy out of it, but to no avail. He had a couple other places to shut off first, so that bought me enough time to call the power company. Now, I'm not keen on delivering sob stories and I HATE using my situation to reason with people, especially when I rightfully owe them money. However, things being what they are, I had no choice but to explain my situation as the mother of a ten-month-old baby who lost half our income when I came down with cancer. As if that wasn't bad enough, I broke down crying as I did so. Ugh. I felt utterly pathetic! And of course, all it got me was two extra hours before they shut us off, anyway. I wanted to be angry with the woman on the phone, but deep down, I know she couldn't do anything, anyway. I wanted to yell, but all I could do was sob so uncontrollably, that she had trouble understanding me. Call this an all-time low for yours truly. There was nothing I could do. Frantically, I began to devise ways in my mind to just snatch up my little family and run away somewhere...anywhere. Logical, right? Yeah, no.

Not knowing what to do, I decided that I should take a shower while we still had light in the bathroom. It was during this time that Daryll let a few people know what was going on...not to ask for money, but to blow off some pent-up anger. Well, what we didn't ask for came to us, anyway. Some friends we've come to adore, who we haven't even met in person yet, came to our rescue. I can't even begin to describe how humbled, how grateful, and how incredibly blessed I feel to know these people. They're not wealthy, they didn't want anything in return, and they did it with such grace, love, and understanding, that I didn't even experience the typical shame and embarrassment I feel when someone has to bail my sorry ass out of a bad situation. These people, who live literally on the other side of the continent, cared enough to make sure our power stayed on.

When things like this happen, it's hard not to feel like a colossal failure. It's hard not to beat myself up for screwing up my life. A lifetime battling low self-esteem will do that to you. It's taken a lot of years and a lot of work to learn how to love myself, and I still fall short more often than I should. I was reminded today, by these wonderful friends, that too often, bad things happen to good people. I've been doing all I can, and so has my wonderful husband. I realized how ridiculous my demands on myself can be at times. Everything I do is with the intention to better myself and life for my family. Everything I do is to provide a future for my daughter. Rather than settle for a miserable job that doesn't pay the bills, I went back to school. I began to fight for a future, instead of settling in the present. Sometimes I get angry with myself for not being farther along in life than I am, but then I remember that beating myself up with the mistakes of the past is fruitless and destructive. It took me longer than some others to choose a path, but I did choose it, and I chose it with conviction. Cancer had other plans, but then...I have plans for cancer, and it won't like them. Does knowing these things solve all my problems? No. However, I will keep doing my best. I will keep looking for ways out of this financial catastrophe that my illness has created, while trying my hardest to keep my chin up. Breakdowns will happen, and I have to allow for that. Hopefully, I will find a way to bring in some income. I've got my online jewelry store, and I'm working out plans to cut costs on as many things as I possibly can. Hopefully, it will help. The good thing is that in a few months, I'll be able to get a part-time job, and work my way back into school. Things are hard, but I'm tough, I'm stubborn, and I'm surrounded by people who love me. That alone makes me one lucky mama.

“I will not feed your hunger.

Instead, I bite the pain.

Looking not back, but forward,

I bite down”

~Chuck Schuldiner