After the busyness of today, I am
amazed at how much algebra I got done before that part of my brain
switched off. Seriously...when my mind is done with math for the day,
it's done. Even the simplest equation looks like total nonsense after
that. Sure, I still have a ton to do tomorrow, and more running
around. But even when I'm tired, and the laundry goes unfolded, and
Violet interrupts frequently (as babies do), I feel good when I can
accomplish something in my school work.
The difference between now and high
school (which I dropped out of), is that now I care. Now, it matters.
I have a talent for learning things the hard way. It took years of
crap jobs, barely surviving, and watching the world go by as I
struggled, before I decided I'd had enough of it. Financially, things
are still a struggle, but the good part is, that instead of just
banging my head against the wall, doing something that makes me
miserable, I'm actually going somewhere. And I don't care how long it
takes, because the journey in itself is much more fulfilling than
catering to unhappy customers, or squirming under the heel of a mean
boss's sensible pump while tethered to a phone like a dog on a leash.
I'm learning, seeing, doing more than I thought I ever could. For the
first time, there is a future out there, waiting for me to grab it.
There's a shiny, seasoned, new-and-improved me waiting to break to
the surface.
It doesn't matter that I'm doing this
at 35 instead of 25. It doesn't matter that I'll be in my 40's by the
time my daughter starts school and I'm finishing up. It's not the age
in years; it's the depth of wisdom, the flavor of experience, and the
vibrant colors that emerge wherever I look. It's knowing that this is
not all there is. There is more out there for me. There is better. As
a teenager, I could not imagine the future. In my twenties, I felt
like I was getting sucked into a future that I didn't want. In my
thirties, I am seeing, for the first time, that I can shape my world
into something desirable. It will take some time and a lot of work.
There have been and will likely continue to be moments in which I
feel in over my head. I'm okay with that. Just when I feel myself
drowning, something gives me a push, or I kick just a little harder
to reach that gasp of air that gets me to the next. There are periods
of calm, and moments of bliss. There's my loving husband and my
beautiful daughter. Even though I sometimes forget that I'm not
stuck, the good times remind me. It's all good...I've got this.
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