No matter how many times I have to learn the painful way that sometimes ideas and opinions do not translate well in type, it seems that on occasion, I am due for another reminder. Tonight was one of those occasions. I expressed an opinion and it was not well received. Feeling that the parties involved were misunderstanding the point I was trying to make, I attempted to elaborate only to dig myself deeper into a pit of hostile feelings, snarky opinions and futility. In the end, my point was completely missed, I was judged unfairly and in a fit of rage, I severed some online ties and as much as I want to believe they don't matter to me at all...they apparently do. That's not to say that I need some of these people in my life. I don't. However, if they didn't matter to me on some level, I would not have gotten upset and I'm ashamed to admit I got very upset. I was hurt deeply. It seems so stupid now, but I was.

I really don't want to make myself look like a big whiny, misunderstood victim. I don't think putting it off entirely on others is fair. I did not communicate in a way they could understand and it bit me in the ass. Fine, whatever. It got me thinking, though. And as usual, once I start thinking on a subject my brain does not shut up until I deal with it in some way. So, if I want to get ANY sleep at all tonight, I'll deal with it in the only way I know how.

Getting through this is going to require some acceptance on my part. I have to accept that sometimes my thoughts are more intricate than my ability to outwardly communicate them to others and this can cause trouble. I have to accept that people have varying opinions and sometimes those opinions clash. I have to accept that any time I allow myself to believe that I'm “among friends” in an online setting, I'm setting myself up to eventually be disappointed. I also have to accept that not everyone is going to be as courteous and non-judgmental about opinions they disagree with as I am (that's not to say I'm always perfect but I'm not one to jump on people, either). The biggest one though, is accepting that when I get into any of the above situations, the only one I can blame for it is myself. I should really know better than to get so involved. Meh...I tend to learn things the hard way.

Here is what I do NOT have to accept: I do not have to accept rudeness. I do not have to accept other people's opinions of me or my ideas when they clearly don't get what I'm saying. I do not have to accept the limits they want to place on me due to their lack of understanding. If you want black and white opinions and ideas, don't come looking to me. I am not black and white. My opinions, ideals and emotions are laced with a variety of color and hue. Who says I can only feel one way about something? WHO SAYS? Life, the world and the people in it are not that simple I am not that simple. I am a complex human being with my own set of thoughts, feelings emotions and beliefs that often times intermingle because I refuse to see things in only one light. I am multifaceted and I refuse to iron myself flat for anyone. If you can't keep up, that's fine but do not expect me to slow down and rearrange myself just so you can understand. And if you don't understand, that's fine. I don't expect you to. That does not, however, mean I have to put up with your judgments. There are plenty of things I don't understand. If I make a valiant effort to understand something only to have it continue to escape me then I have to accept that I don't understand it and move on.

That being said, I suppose it's time to accept the lesson. The way we conduct ourselves socially has changed. We live almost as much on the internet as we do in the real world and I sometimes wonder if the two are switching places. It is too easy to get caught up in the cyber world and become too comfortable. That's not to say that I've never made true friends online. I have and I cherish them. However, they are a small fraction of the people I interact with and once again, I need to remind myself that not everyone believes in being an open book and when I allow myself to become one, I am left vulnerable to have my pages stained and torn. I should be grateful for this. I have the two most important things in the universe right here in the very same room with me; my husband and my baby daughter. I like having friends online and off but really, it's my little family that really matters and I cherish them. In my little apartment in my little world, I have no fear of how I am received. This is my world, my sanctuary, my everything. Eventually, I'll learn to just let all the other stuff go. After all, most of it isn't real, anyway.