Fatigued

Today has been a challenging one. A good portion of it was spent in bed, as I have had little to no energy since Saturday afternoon. Now, I love a good nap, but when I am too dizzy and exhausted to be up for more than a few hours at a time, it takes much of the enjoyment out of it. True, I'd probably be better to just enjoy the downtime and soak up as much sleep and lying around as possible while I have a valid excuse to do so, but I hate missing the day with my husband and daughter. I know Violet misses me when I'm out. She is always so happy to see me once I finally haul my carcass into the world of the living.

I'm tired most of the time these days, which is to be expected. For some reason, the tiredness would not leave my mind, today. I've been in a dizzy fog since morning and can't seem to shake it. Even now, I'm blinking furiously to keep my eyes open. I know, I know...I should just go to bed! Call me stubborn. I let Daryll handle most of the heavy duties, even when I wanted to pitch in. I hate feeling like I can't do anything, especially after more than a day or two of this. I gave Violet a bath this afternoon, vacuumed and Febreezed the sofa this evening, and tidied the living room a little bit. Then I lit some scented candles. It took a lot out of me, but that sense of accomplishment felt good. There is still a lot to do around here, even with Daryll's diligence. Even if I only did a little, it was enough to ease my mind. I like feeling like I've contributed to the peacefulness of our home.

As I type this, not feeling sure how much sense I'm making, and not being too concerned, Tori Amos is blessing my ears with her “Little Earthquakes” album, and my daughter has finally slipped into a peaceful slumber on the living room floor. The heat of day is now the cool of night, and I am dreamily wavering between worlds. I am not even half way through this process, but I know it has an end. However, the end is difficult to comprehend at the moment. Right now, this is my life. This is how I'm living...set apart from the rest of the world. I watch, I think, I wonder, I fear. I witness my daughter grow and learn. I see my husband do what he does each day. They are the closest ones to me, of course. They are my connection to the world. I have visitors and friends, I have my internet connection, and the occasional outing, but it feels as if my residence is on another plane parallel to the reality I was in just a few months ago. Rent is the same, and the dishwasher still needs to be fixed.

Things outside of me function the same. It's the inner workings and surrounding elements of my self that maneuver differently and reside elsewhere. Is this state of being permanent? No. When this is over, I shall no doubt return to the world I knew before, only I will be different. I will be transformed. And somewhere through this veil of awakened sleep, I'm excited to see how I change.