Behind the Brave Face...

The week is half over, and it already feels like a challenging one. I seem to have somehow accidentally traded my usual (as of late) happy and philosophical self for an emotional, stressed, and anxious version. I'm not sure where it's coming from. Is it just the cancer? No, it can't be. I've fully accepted what is happening to me and I know what is to come. Sure, I've still got a long way to go, and it's going to be hard, but I already know this. I also know that at the end of it all, I'm going to be okay and I'll look fabulous with my shiny new boobs. Perhaps it's all the uncertainty outside the cancer. When this is over, I'll have to get back into student-mode, so I can finish up with community college and get into a university. As of right now, it's about going through treatment, taking care of my daughter (with Daryll's amazing help), and finding a way to keep our bills from eating us alive.

The thing is, this isn't new. So why am I feeling this way? Monday, I had a meltdown in the bathroom after realizing that several exciting events are going to be taking place shortly after I have my breasts removed and I have to start radiation. For the first time since beginning this journey, I broke down and sobbed. It was probably a good thing, as I needed to release something sometime. I suppose we are all entitled to the occasional pity party, including me. I can't wear my brave face all the time. Still, it bothered me. Today, as Daryll was trying to fix the dish washer (with no luck...maintenance has to order a new part for it), we got a little snappy with each other, nothing serious mind you, and I decided to feed the cats. As I was doing so, I bumped my head, which didn't even really hurt, and the next thing I knew, tears were streaming down my face uncontrollably.

I know that the definition of bravery is not to be unafraid. Being brave is about doing what you've got to do, even when in the clutches of fear, doubt, and despair. I remind myself of this whenever I feel this way, even if it takes a while to sink in, and the good moments are all that more sacred to me.

One of these moments came in the form of an almost neon-greenish-yellow cabbage butterfly, yesterday. As I was preparing dinner, I got out my blender, set it on the counter, and continued gathering the other things I'd need. Turning back to the blender, I was greeted with this lovely and delicate little creature resting on the shiny, black base...vivid and bright against the surface on which it sat. Immediately, I was humbled and awe-stricken, for it seemed to have come out of nowhere! We always have our screen windows and door closed, so how this magnificent little creature got into my kitchen, I haven't a clue. So strange that something so simple and small could touch my soul in the way it did. We scooped it up and placed it in the patio garden, so it could be free and safe. I took quite a few pictures of it with my cell phone, because I had never seen one in this precise color. It was so lovely!!! However, none of my pictures turned out. They all showed as empty files on my phone...all of them. I had taken other pictures that day, before and after the butterfly. Those turned out just fine, but my illusive little visitor has been saved only to memory.

Perhaps I am over-thinking the butterfly. Perhaps I am over-thinking everything else. Either way, I know that things will be what they are and I can only do what I can do. Even as people tell me how brave I am, I feel like a bumbling novice most of the time. Does this make their words untrue? I doubt it. We are often our own worse critics. Whether I'm having one of my fearless and happy days, or one of my crumbling and frightful days, things will continue to move forward, and I will always eventually get back up. I have to. I won't always do things “the right way”, but I will do the best I can to make the journey count. Hopefully, I will pass the good things onto my daughter and hopefully I will do right by her. I know that in her life there will be times of pain and struggle. There is nothing I can do about that. As long as she takes time to look at what's beautiful and important, there will be butterflies for her as well.