Breathe

The thing about insomnia, is that you are not awake because you're not tired. You can be absolutely exhausted, but your mind is so determined to keep you up, that no matter what you do, sleep refuses to come. At least tonight/this morning, I actually have enough energy to be out of bed so that I can do something to occupy myself, instead of just tossing and turning. So here it is, just after 5am. Dead Can Dance is playing, and I'm supposed to be up and getting ready to go somewhere in just a couple of hours. Yep. Today is going to be a real treat! **insert sarcastic eye-roll**

I have been an insomniac for virtually my entire life. What can I say, I have a busy mind...and currently, there is a lot for it to get caught up in. Of course, there's the cancer. Right now, there's always the cancer. There's my daughter. There's the time off I'm taking from school to deal with all of this, and the financial fallout it has caused. The land line and cable are shut off, with internet soon to follow...possibly the cell phones, too. I think about my darling husband and the burden of having to take care of a sick wife, the apartment, the dogs, the baby. I do what I can on my good days, but as treatment progresses, there aren't as many of them.

I know it looks bleak, and often times it feels bleak. To be honest, cancer is the least of my worries, right now. I've said several times that if all I had to worry about was that and my daughter, I'd be fine. I know what this is, I know it has a cure, and I know what it's going to take to get there. I know Cancer. We've met before. Last time, all I had to worry about was getting better. This time, I have to worry about how we're going to pay for things while I'm in treatment. That and...it hurts to know that after my mastectomy, I won't be able to hold my baby girl.

So, what's a Cancer Mommy to do? As Ann, my dearly departed Women's Studies teacher and hero often said, “remember to breathe”. It's amazing how frequently and how easily such a simple, yet important thing is forgotten. I must remember to breathe. I must remember to take it as it comes, knowing that some things are out of my control. This has never been an easy practice for me, as I tend to fret about everything all at once. Then I freeze. Then I forget to breathe. There's no time for that, now. I have healing to do and obstacles to overcome...one at a time.

Remember to breathe.

Last week, I was surprised with this bouquet of flowers. They were just sitting outside my door. The card did not indicate a sender. It read, "If there was a flower for everyone who loves you the room would be filled with pink roses". Sometimes, things like these come along just in time to keep me from breaking.