Blessed by Friends

Wow. What a day. It started by getting up much later than I'd intended...but that happens a lot, these days. I hadn't even had my coffee yet, when a man in a yellow hat pounded on our door, and handed Daryll a slip of paper informing us that he was here to shut off our power. Nice. For those who wonder, during the summer, there is no law to protect you from such a thing. He tried to talk the guy out of it, but to no avail. He had a couple other places to shut off first, so that bought me enough time to call the power company. Now, I'm not keen on delivering sob stories and I HATE using my situation to reason with people, especially when I rightfully owe them money. However, things being what they are, I had no choice but to explain my situation as the mother of a ten-month-old baby who lost half our income when I came down with cancer. As if that wasn't bad enough, I broke down crying as I did so. Ugh. I felt utterly pathetic! And of course, all it got me was two extra hours before they shut us off, anyway. I wanted to be angry with the woman on the phone, but deep down, I know she couldn't do anything, anyway. I wanted to yell, but all I could do was sob so uncontrollably, that she had trouble understanding me. Call this an all-time low for yours truly. There was nothing I could do. Frantically, I began to devise ways in my mind to just snatch up my little family and run away somewhere...anywhere. Logical, right? Yeah, no.

Not knowing what to do, I decided that I should take a shower while we still had light in the bathroom. It was during this time that Daryll let a few people know what was going on...not to ask for money, but to blow off some pent-up anger. Well, what we didn't ask for came to us, anyway. Some friends we've come to adore, who we haven't even met in person yet, came to our rescue. I can't even begin to describe how humbled, how grateful, and how incredibly blessed I feel to know these people. They're not wealthy, they didn't want anything in return, and they did it with such grace, love, and understanding, that I didn't even experience the typical shame and embarrassment I feel when someone has to bail my sorry ass out of a bad situation. These people, who live literally on the other side of the continent, cared enough to make sure our power stayed on.

When things like this happen, it's hard not to feel like a colossal failure. It's hard not to beat myself up for screwing up my life. A lifetime battling low self-esteem will do that to you. It's taken a lot of years and a lot of work to learn how to love myself, and I still fall short more often than I should. I was reminded today, by these wonderful friends, that too often, bad things happen to good people. I've been doing all I can, and so has my wonderful husband. I realized how ridiculous my demands on myself can be at times. Everything I do is with the intention to better myself and life for my family. Everything I do is to provide a future for my daughter. Rather than settle for a miserable job that doesn't pay the bills, I went back to school. I began to fight for a future, instead of settling in the present. Sometimes I get angry with myself for not being farther along in life than I am, but then I remember that beating myself up with the mistakes of the past is fruitless and destructive. It took me longer than some others to choose a path, but I did choose it, and I chose it with conviction. Cancer had other plans, but then...I have plans for cancer, and it won't like them. Does knowing these things solve all my problems? No. However, I will keep doing my best. I will keep looking for ways out of this financial catastrophe that my illness has created, while trying my hardest to keep my chin up. Breakdowns will happen, and I have to allow for that. Hopefully, I will find a way to bring in some income. I've got my online jewelry store, and I'm working out plans to cut costs on as many things as I possibly can. Hopefully, it will help. The good thing is that in a few months, I'll be able to get a part-time job, and work my way back into school. Things are hard, but I'm tough, I'm stubborn, and I'm surrounded by people who love me. That alone makes me one lucky mama.

“I will not feed your hunger.

Instead, I bite the pain.

Looking not back, but forward,

I bite down”

~Chuck Schuldiner

Breathe

The thing about insomnia, is that you are not awake because you're not tired. You can be absolutely exhausted, but your mind is so determined to keep you up, that no matter what you do, sleep refuses to come. At least tonight/this morning, I actually have enough energy to be out of bed so that I can do something to occupy myself, instead of just tossing and turning. So here it is, just after 5am. Dead Can Dance is playing, and I'm supposed to be up and getting ready to go somewhere in just a couple of hours. Yep. Today is going to be a real treat! **insert sarcastic eye-roll**

I have been an insomniac for virtually my entire life. What can I say, I have a busy mind...and currently, there is a lot for it to get caught up in. Of course, there's the cancer. Right now, there's always the cancer. There's my daughter. There's the time off I'm taking from school to deal with all of this, and the financial fallout it has caused. The land line and cable are shut off, with internet soon to follow...possibly the cell phones, too. I think about my darling husband and the burden of having to take care of a sick wife, the apartment, the dogs, the baby. I do what I can on my good days, but as treatment progresses, there aren't as many of them.

I know it looks bleak, and often times it feels bleak. To be honest, cancer is the least of my worries, right now. I've said several times that if all I had to worry about was that and my daughter, I'd be fine. I know what this is, I know it has a cure, and I know what it's going to take to get there. I know Cancer. We've met before. Last time, all I had to worry about was getting better. This time, I have to worry about how we're going to pay for things while I'm in treatment. That and...it hurts to know that after my mastectomy, I won't be able to hold my baby girl.

So, what's a Cancer Mommy to do? As Ann, my dearly departed Women's Studies teacher and hero often said, “remember to breathe”. It's amazing how frequently and how easily such a simple, yet important thing is forgotten. I must remember to breathe. I must remember to take it as it comes, knowing that some things are out of my control. This has never been an easy practice for me, as I tend to fret about everything all at once. Then I freeze. Then I forget to breathe. There's no time for that, now. I have healing to do and obstacles to overcome...one at a time.

Remember to breathe.

Last week, I was surprised with this bouquet of flowers. They were just sitting outside my door. The card did not indicate a sender. It read, "If there was a flower for everyone who loves you the room would be filled with pink roses". Sometimes, things like these come along just in time to keep me from breaking.

Fatigued

Today has been a challenging one. A good portion of it was spent in bed, as I have had little to no energy since Saturday afternoon. Now, I love a good nap, but when I am too dizzy and exhausted to be up for more than a few hours at a time, it takes much of the enjoyment out of it. True, I'd probably be better to just enjoy the downtime and soak up as much sleep and lying around as possible while I have a valid excuse to do so, but I hate missing the day with my husband and daughter. I know Violet misses me when I'm out. She is always so happy to see me once I finally haul my carcass into the world of the living.

I'm tired most of the time these days, which is to be expected. For some reason, the tiredness would not leave my mind, today. I've been in a dizzy fog since morning and can't seem to shake it. Even now, I'm blinking furiously to keep my eyes open. I know, I know...I should just go to bed! Call me stubborn. I let Daryll handle most of the heavy duties, even when I wanted to pitch in. I hate feeling like I can't do anything, especially after more than a day or two of this. I gave Violet a bath this afternoon, vacuumed and Febreezed the sofa this evening, and tidied the living room a little bit. Then I lit some scented candles. It took a lot out of me, but that sense of accomplishment felt good. There is still a lot to do around here, even with Daryll's diligence. Even if I only did a little, it was enough to ease my mind. I like feeling like I've contributed to the peacefulness of our home.

As I type this, not feeling sure how much sense I'm making, and not being too concerned, Tori Amos is blessing my ears with her “Little Earthquakes” album, and my daughter has finally slipped into a peaceful slumber on the living room floor. The heat of day is now the cool of night, and I am dreamily wavering between worlds. I am not even half way through this process, but I know it has an end. However, the end is difficult to comprehend at the moment. Right now, this is my life. This is how I'm living...set apart from the rest of the world. I watch, I think, I wonder, I fear. I witness my daughter grow and learn. I see my husband do what he does each day. They are the closest ones to me, of course. They are my connection to the world. I have visitors and friends, I have my internet connection, and the occasional outing, but it feels as if my residence is on another plane parallel to the reality I was in just a few months ago. Rent is the same, and the dishwasher still needs to be fixed.

Things outside of me function the same. It's the inner workings and surrounding elements of my self that maneuver differently and reside elsewhere. Is this state of being permanent? No. When this is over, I shall no doubt return to the world I knew before, only I will be different. I will be transformed. And somewhere through this veil of awakened sleep, I'm excited to see how I change.

Behind the Brave Face...

The week is half over, and it already feels like a challenging one. I seem to have somehow accidentally traded my usual (as of late) happy and philosophical self for an emotional, stressed, and anxious version. I'm not sure where it's coming from. Is it just the cancer? No, it can't be. I've fully accepted what is happening to me and I know what is to come. Sure, I've still got a long way to go, and it's going to be hard, but I already know this. I also know that at the end of it all, I'm going to be okay and I'll look fabulous with my shiny new boobs. Perhaps it's all the uncertainty outside the cancer. When this is over, I'll have to get back into student-mode, so I can finish up with community college and get into a university. As of right now, it's about going through treatment, taking care of my daughter (with Daryll's amazing help), and finding a way to keep our bills from eating us alive.

The thing is, this isn't new. So why am I feeling this way? Monday, I had a meltdown in the bathroom after realizing that several exciting events are going to be taking place shortly after I have my breasts removed and I have to start radiation. For the first time since beginning this journey, I broke down and sobbed. It was probably a good thing, as I needed to release something sometime. I suppose we are all entitled to the occasional pity party, including me. I can't wear my brave face all the time. Still, it bothered me. Today, as Daryll was trying to fix the dish washer (with no luck...maintenance has to order a new part for it), we got a little snappy with each other, nothing serious mind you, and I decided to feed the cats. As I was doing so, I bumped my head, which didn't even really hurt, and the next thing I knew, tears were streaming down my face uncontrollably.

I know that the definition of bravery is not to be unafraid. Being brave is about doing what you've got to do, even when in the clutches of fear, doubt, and despair. I remind myself of this whenever I feel this way, even if it takes a while to sink in, and the good moments are all that more sacred to me.

One of these moments came in the form of an almost neon-greenish-yellow cabbage butterfly, yesterday. As I was preparing dinner, I got out my blender, set it on the counter, and continued gathering the other things I'd need. Turning back to the blender, I was greeted with this lovely and delicate little creature resting on the shiny, black base...vivid and bright against the surface on which it sat. Immediately, I was humbled and awe-stricken, for it seemed to have come out of nowhere! We always have our screen windows and door closed, so how this magnificent little creature got into my kitchen, I haven't a clue. So strange that something so simple and small could touch my soul in the way it did. We scooped it up and placed it in the patio garden, so it could be free and safe. I took quite a few pictures of it with my cell phone, because I had never seen one in this precise color. It was so lovely!!! However, none of my pictures turned out. They all showed as empty files on my phone...all of them. I had taken other pictures that day, before and after the butterfly. Those turned out just fine, but my illusive little visitor has been saved only to memory.

Perhaps I am over-thinking the butterfly. Perhaps I am over-thinking everything else. Either way, I know that things will be what they are and I can only do what I can do. Even as people tell me how brave I am, I feel like a bumbling novice most of the time. Does this make their words untrue? I doubt it. We are often our own worse critics. Whether I'm having one of my fearless and happy days, or one of my crumbling and frightful days, things will continue to move forward, and I will always eventually get back up. I have to. I won't always do things “the right way”, but I will do the best I can to make the journey count. Hopefully, I will pass the good things onto my daughter and hopefully I will do right by her. I know that in her life there will be times of pain and struggle. There is nothing I can do about that. As long as she takes time to look at what's beautiful and important, there will be butterflies for her as well.