Well,
so much for sleep...at least where last night is concerned. It's a
strange thing to have insomnia at a time when I should be exhausted.
But then, as I recall, this happened to me once or twice when I did
chemotherapy fifteen years ago. I was warned that one of the drugs
could "wire" me, but I assumed that would have already come
and gone, since it's three days later. Perhaps it is something else
keeping me up.
I
tossed and turned for as long as I could bear it. I spent part of my
evening making jewelry and my mind has been brimming with ideas I
want to try, with a backdrop of recordings my mind has made of the
past few days. Violet woke up about fifteen minutes ago, crying in
her crib. She is now nestled in our bed next to her daddy, as she
finishes all of her mornings, these days. I should be with them, but
sometimes the flow of this "in-between" world takes me
elsewhere.
"In-between":
the place in which I seem to reside frequently in my life. Always in a state
of change, of seeking, of reaching for the next phase. There have
been points of stagnation, but perhaps those were just really times
of movement too slow to catch the naked eye, or consciousness. Even
as my life is once again "on hold" for cancer treatment, it
does not feel like I'm stopping, but traveling, walking "that
world", cloaked in a chrysalis, barefoot and bare-headed, taking
in the scenery, and making it all part of my being. If only I could
accurately describe the view...
As
Klaus Thomas, my “Nomi Cat” curls up in a purring ball in my lap,
I am reminded of how cats are often said to dwell within those same
in-between places. Perhaps that's why I have such an affinity for
them. They understand my existence, and I marvel and delight at
theirs. Perhaps these are just the sleep deprived ramblings of a
first-time mother with second-time cancer. Either way, I don't think
that's the important part. I think the important part is that I catch
and savor these moments, even the mildly annoying ones. There is
something more to learn, here. There are places within that I need to
reach outward to.
My
computer has just informed me that it's 6am. Maybe I'll have some
coffee and get back to that jewelry for a bit.
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