It seems like forever since I last saw the first moments of
a snowstorm. We don’t get much of it here and when I do see it, it has usually
already been going for a while. After a trip to the grocery store and three
unsuccessful attempts to find a new electronic cigarette to replace the one
Daryll lost whilst fleeing a swarm of angry bees (no I’m not kidding), I
abandoned the quest in favor of the comforts of my toasty little apartment. In
a last-minute decision, I turned into the parking lot of the convenience store
down the street from home just in case they had one. No luck. Then I stepped
out into the silent cold night.
What I’m sure would normally be a black sky was instead a
deep crimson-chocolate-dark from light pollution…and illuminated by the nearest
street lamp came the soft and tender flutter of the very first snowflakes of
the night. There is something magical and mysterious about this precious and
rare moment. It’s another form of the infrequent “between-times” that I cherish
in their sacredness. With delicate grace, they spiraled down stark against that
red-black as if they were really moving faster but I could only see them in
slow-motion. As if moving within a dream I made my way toward the car, hovering
just above reality’s solid ground.
It is only a block or two from there to home, but linear
time had ceased to exist on that strange little journey. They came like music.
They came like magic. They came like a dance on the edge of consciousness and
they increased in number and speed. Pulling into the parking lot, I stopped
first in front of the mail boxes. Stepping out of the car, I could see the thin
layer of it turning the black asphalt to gray and my feet stepped carefully as
I fetched bills and medical information from a cold metal compartment.
Returning to the car, I greeted a neighbor and then found myself snug in my
favorite parking spot. Treading the tiny distance to the stairs leading up to
my warm little dwelling of yellow light, I watched the dark and the gifts it
was sending to rest on my hat and my coat. Just before turning away from her
magic, the Snow Queen planted one singular frozen kiss on my lower lip…and in
my heart I told her that I loved her too.
Sometimes a girl's just got to say it to a camcorder when she just doesn't feel like typing. Things have been strange and I am always being caught off guard by the way things actually work. This is actually a good thing.
After 30 hours of hard labor with my epidural only lasting a few hours in the middle of it, my baby still wasn't coming out. At this point I was beyond exhausted. My little bug was stubborn. sometime in the morning after said epidural stopped working and hours more of indescribable pain had me at the end of my threshold, I was wheeled into surgery. I could feel too much of what was happening and began to panic so I was put under for the rest of the cesarean. I woke to the distant sound of a baby crying mingled with busy voices and feet. I couldn't see anything yet, but Daryll's trembling voice broke through the fog, "Honey, we have a little girl!" Still confused and in pain, I knew one truth and I said it to a brightening room, "I have a daughter..." and the tears came. Like the Grinch, my heart grew three sizes that day. For two years, every ounce of pain I have ever felt in my life is the size of an ant compared to my love for her. Happy Birthday, my most sacred gift. Mommy loves you more than the sun and the moon and all the stars.
Even with its allergens, autumn is my favorite time of year.
It has long been “my time”. It’s when mind, spirit, and senses come out of
hibernation whilst all other things are preparing for dormancy. Even as the
morning is wrapped in a sleepy mist I am celebrating the vibrancy within and as
the leaves dance to the ground in their fiery hues I am thinking of the Phoenix
rising again.
The Phoenix…Violet Phoenix. The name chosen for my precious
daughter is more than just an interesting combination of words. Violet was my
English grandmother’s name. She was a very strong woman and a rebel for her
time. Violet is the color of the crown chakra. Violet is the color of the
sacred flame. The Phoenix has been an important part of my life for many
reasons. For as many times as my world has burned to ashes, I always manage to
rise from the pain, rise above the past, and I am learning to rise above my own
demons. Phoenix was my 19 year-old cat and most faithful companion until I was
pregnant and it was time for her to leave me. Phoenix is new life after death.
My daughter is the life that came to me as I was still in the throes of grief
from the loss of my sweet little brother. Violet Phoenix…a powerful and
personally spiritual name that I chose for the most precious thing in my world.
This coming Sunday is Violet’s birthday party. She’ll be two
on Monday. My beautiful child is no longer a baby. It was only two nights ago
that she managed to escape from her crib, signifying the time to move her over
to her lower bunk bed. It’s been quite a lot of work to get her to stay in bed
and stay asleep. Daryll had to go in and sleep snuggled up to her last night.
Tonight will be my turn. It’s funny how advancement in child-rearing can sort
of mimic the earlier times. It almost feels like the time after we moved her
crib from our room to hers. It was new, strange, and a little scary for her.
This is the same, only now she is able to get out of bed without an obstacle. She’s
getting so big and she is very tall for her age. She is my cute-patoot, my leggy
blonde, my Droolie Andrews, my monkey-face-pooh-bum-bear, Frogger, Faerie
Liebchen. She is Violet; she is the brilliance that emerged from the darkness
and she is my dearest love. She is also the best thing about my cancer because I
have been able to be home with her since day one and have been able to watch
her grow.
I know that at some point I will have to return to the job
and school worlds and this precious time will end as all things do. But I am
certain that I am close to ready. In the meantime, I continue to work at my
jewelry business. I am now in two local stores. As it turns out, Celestial
Awakenings took my wares after all. There are consignment contract papers and
everything!
Since I’ve made the conscious decision to let go of fear,
resentment, and the invisible chains that have bound me for so long, things are
getting better. I am letting go of my negative thoughts surrounding money and
struggle, opening myself to abundance, and banishing PTSD one shadowy tendril
at a time. Is my life perfect bliss? Of course not! Does it need to be? My
answer is no. There are ups and downs and I’m okay with that; it’s an
adventure!
So much is changing, I can feel it. It’s taken a long time
but it is never too late to realize that you can change your world just by
changing the way you think. Even in the midst of the same prowling troubles, I
am feeling lighter and I am very close to feeling like myself.
Another phase of metamorphosis. Another journey
within my journey. At the moment, the sky is a cool grey and my coffee is a
warm brown. At the moment, there is Sesame Street, Kate Bush, a feeling of peaceful
joy, and a sense of quiet relief. My handmade creations are hanging on the wall
above my computer, waiting for buyers to fall in love and claim them. To my left
are a dozen roses that my husband surprised me with the other night. They are
opening, sage is burning, and my youngest stepson is about to try Vegemite for
the first time.
It’s quite amazing, really…how easy it is to let go
of the anger, negativity, and fear that holds us captive. And it’s baffling how
we make it so complicated. Less than a week ago I was still suffocating under
the weight of that darkness and uncertainty. All it took was a healthy fight
with my husband to clear the air, a couple of amazing and enlightening videos
we watched together, and the mutual decision that we didn’t need all that
negative energy anymore. Yes. That’s all it took. I know that a week is not a
long time to say that my life has changed, but it has. It really has.
Tuesday was quite a solidifier for this new sense of
being; this new and renewed positive energy-flow. I’d had a really good therapy
session which also opened my eyes to some new things and I was on my way to the
store for some things we needed. As I came closer to the local metaphysical
shop I had been dying to go into but was afraid to because we are always so
broke, without thought or self-debate, I got into the turn lane and took a left
into the parking lot. I had passed it so many times before. I had let fear of
money stop me from exploring what I knew I would find to be fascinating. I
looked at the back door of the shop, which is a lovely converted
craftsman-style house, and wasn’t sure if that was the right entrance so I
walked around to the front door. It was locked, but I saw someone inside so I
knocked. I was let in by a beautiful woman who struck me with curiosity right
away. She explained that people usually use the back entrance to which I
laughed and apologized. As I immersed myself in the hum of a room full of
beautiful stones, what would have typically been a feeling of social paranoia
and self-doubt was instead a feeling of peace and vibrant freedom.
Immediately, a flow of conversation was started that
felt so natural, so opposite of the intense self-consciousness and over-analysis
I usually feel. Was it her? Was it the stones? Does it even matter which? The
best thing is that I was open and allowing myself to take in the positive. I
spent about two hours talking with this wonderful person. I looked at rocks and
picked one out that felt good to hold. She showed me some books and I picked
one out that seemed to be the most beneficial for my current circumstance. I
found the white sage bundles and picked one out along with some incense and a
purple candle. She had showed me a lot of amazing things, but my money fears
were starting to creep in which we also discussed. It was a wonderful couple of
hours, but I had things to do and so I paid for my things, and thanked my
wonderful new acquaintance for everything. We even exchanged business cards and
friended each other on Facebook. Before I left, she mentioned that the owners
might be open to allowing me to put some of my jewelry there on consignment.
This was funny to me because for once I wasn’t concentrating on jewelry sales.
It does seem like a nice possibility however, so I’ve made a note to myself to
follow through on it. If it doesn’t work out, I’m perfectly okay with that. It
wasn’t the purpose of my visit anyway.
After running the rest of my errands, I came home and
Daryll took the car to do something that I can’t remember. Violet had lunch and
went down for a nap. I finished my own lunch and decided that some music and
sage-burning were in order. Melechesh was the music for the moment so I turned
it up, lit my sage bundle and suddenly I was dancing throughout the apartment
in joyous circles, waving the sage as if it were a sorcerer’s wand. I felt
light, free and open to all the good in the world. I felt like myself…my real
self!
Yesterday was rent-day. As Daryll was out getting
the money order for the office, our internet was suspended. We took care of
both, which left us with only $14 to go the rest of the month. This is where
the challenge still comes in. I know I need to let go of my negative attachment
to money (or the lack thereof). I know that in order for it to flow better, I
need to treat it with less importance. However, when you still have the car,
insurance, and a cell phone bill, that you have no way of covering, how do you
let it go? How do you release the worry? I called my mom as I always do, to let
her know the situation. She has been helping us to keep our heads above water
for almost the entire duration of my cancer experience and while she does it
with love and understanding, it has been a source of great stress for all of
us. While it did put me in a state of mild anxiety, requiring a dose of
lorazepam, it still didn’t hit as hard as it normally does. It took extra work
to focus on the continued feeling of positive energy but I made the decision to
take it easy on myself. One day of lorazepam is better than every day, which I
had been moving toward before things changed.
One evening of anxiety does not mean failure. It
means I am human and that everyone gets these feelings from time to time. I
still managed to have a pretty good night’s sleep and today I woke up more refreshed
than I ever remember feeling. Things are good. It’s just a matter of
remembering that. I have realized that I have been feeding the money-monster
way too much and in turn, he has been feeding off my fear and stress. I know I
have work to do in this area and I will keep going to therapy. Do I still have
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Yes I do but I feel less intimidated by it now.
I feel open to healing the wounds old and new. Instead of trying to shut it off
and barely function, I’m diving in. I’m accepting the problems and the pain so
that I might let it all go and free myself. It feels like tiny fishing hooks
stuck into me with lines tying me to the negative things. It’s okay that
everything hasn’t healed at once. Instead of painfully tearing them all out at
once, I am choosing to carefully and lovingly remove the hooks a little at a
time, accepting and appreciating the lessons they brought, and then letting
them go. While I am uncertain of how long it will take, I’m not worried about
it. Everyone has negative attachments to deal with. Everyone has bad days and
foul moods. The difference lies in accepting it and letting it go. I am no
longer interested in remaining stuck. I am no longer interested in negative
attachments. It’s time to live…to really live.
Three ibuprofen and one acetaminophen for discomfort.
We were out of ibuprofen for a while there so it’s nice to have some now. I had
just left Daryll to play with Violet as she got her bath. Her happy squeals and
laughs became surprisingly distant for only being one room away with the doors
open. Most of today was spent feeling as distant as the echoes of her sweet
little voice. I was sucked into that strange dreamscape again. It’s been
happening to me for years but lately it’s been much more frequent. As I’ve
learned, it is a fairly typical symptom of PTSD. I was skeptical about the diagnosis for a
while but now I am seeing things in myself and I’m understanding more about how
extensive it is. It’s as if it’s become so ingrained that it stretches through
my whole body, running like skinny tendrils all alongside my veins. The
nightmares, the disassociation with reality, the anxiety and self-esteem issues…the
fascination with it all. It’s like I took a wrong turn somewhere as I was
traveling toward the exit of my cancer-world and I have found myself in a dark
wood filled with haze. A lot has changed since my journey through this place
fifteen years ago. Maybe I simply forgot the way.
This really isn’t as bad as it sounds. As I said, I’m
really quite fascinated by it. Of course there are some awful days and I’ve got
a lot to work through. What amazes me is figuring out where certain parts of it
stem from and how some of the coping mechanisms I’ve had my whole life have
somehow become part of this greater thing. Very little of it if any is from the
cancer. I find this somewhat hilarious for reasons I have trouble explaining.
Some days I’m barely able to function, but I know that over all this is a good
thing. This is an opportunity to banish old demons. Unfortunately this first
requires hunting them down. I wish I had a falcon to guide me…or an Australian
wedge-tailed eagle.
Making jewelry, spending time with my little family,
and listening to music are my links to the “real” world…or at least the one I’m
trying to get to. Violet and I went to the Portland Aquarium with a friend and
her daughter a few days ago. It felt good to go on a little adventure. It was
so cute to see her run around to the different tanks and play in the tide pool
made from an old boat. She was more interested in splashing in the water with
her hands than anything. She really enjoyed splashing in the stingray and shark
tank…so much so that when I finally had to carry her away from it, she had her
first public meltdown. That was quite an experience! Even so, it was a good day
and I wouldn’t trade watching her get lost in her enthusiasm and wonder for
anything. These are the things that make my life matter. This is how I know I’ll
be alright.
Two things came to me this morning that have been so scarce for so long. This morning as I watched Violet eat her breakfast, I felt a peace and a power like my true self had come home...and she brought my poet with her.
