Distant

"To heal the wound,

you have to go into the dark night of the soul."

~Tori Amos

Three ibuprofen and one acetaminophen for discomfort. We were out of ibuprofen for a while there so it’s nice to have some now. I had just left Daryll to play with Violet as she got her bath. Her happy squeals and laughs became surprisingly distant for only being one room away with the doors open. Most of today was spent feeling as distant as the echoes of her sweet little voice. I was sucked into that strange dreamscape again. It’s been happening to me for years but lately it’s been much more frequent. As I’ve learned, it is a fairly typical symptom of PTSD.  I was skeptical about the diagnosis for a while but now I am seeing things in myself and I’m understanding more about how extensive it is. It’s as if it’s become so ingrained that it stretches through my whole body, running like skinny tendrils all alongside my veins. The nightmares, the disassociation with reality, the anxiety and self-esteem issues…the fascination with it all. It’s like I took a wrong turn somewhere as I was traveling toward the exit of my cancer-world and I have found myself in a dark wood filled with haze. A lot has changed since my journey through this place fifteen years ago. Maybe I simply forgot the way.

This really isn’t as bad as it sounds. As I said, I’m really quite fascinated by it. Of course there are some awful days and I’ve got a lot to work through. What amazes me is figuring out where certain parts of it stem from and how some of the coping mechanisms I’ve had my whole life have somehow become part of this greater thing. Very little of it if any is from the cancer. I find this somewhat hilarious for reasons I have trouble explaining. Some days I’m barely able to function, but I know that over all this is a good thing. This is an opportunity to banish old demons. Unfortunately this first requires hunting them down. I wish I had a falcon to guide me…or an Australian wedge-tailed eagle.

Making jewelry, spending time with my little family, and listening to music are my links to the “real” world…or at least the one I’m trying to get to. Violet and I went to the Portland Aquarium with a friend and her daughter a few days ago. It felt good to go on a little adventure. It was so cute to see her run around to the different tanks and play in the tide pool made from an old boat. She was more interested in splashing in the water with her hands than anything. She really enjoyed splashing in the stingray and shark tank…so much so that when I finally had to carry her away from it, she had her first public meltdown. That was quite an experience! Even so, it was a good day and I wouldn’t trade watching her get lost in her enthusiasm and wonder for anything. These are the things that make my life matter. This is how I know I’ll be alright.