The Girl on the In-Between: My Place in the Ocean

Slipping from this world

on a quiet bench

as unseeing

and unknowing shoppers

pass by like

ghostly holograms.

I feel safe

on my tiny mental island

as life and emotion

create my own

luminous ocean.

I was a mall employee in my early twenties when I wrote that. I had a long black trench coat, my portable CD player, and bus fare as I didn’t even have my license to drive, let alone own a car. Having survived cancer only a few years before, much of my outlook had improved greatly. I had also been getting into my art again. This made sense, since I worked in a frame shop. Even still, I was lost. I didn’t know where I wanted to be or what I wanted to do. I knew that I wanted to find my purpose and create a future for myself. I just didn’t know where to turn or how to go about it. I had tried some college and realized that I didn’t have it in me to stick with it…at least not at that time. It was during this period of my life that I named myself “The Girl on the In-Between”, possibly in a poem. I had spent my entire life feeling like I was never really anywhere and I couldn’t find a place where I fit.

After years of struggle and stress (most of it completely avoidable), I had finally made a decision to let go of the life I hated and quest for the life I wanted. I was in my thirties (still am, thanks), had found my husband, and I had become absolutely done with the uncertainties and stresses of not being in control of my life. I embarked on a new and invigorating journey back to school and I was most certainly ready this time. At some point the need to get out far outweighs the fear of the uncharted.

It was early in this journey that the real life-changes began. George died after his five year battle. When brain tumors want to take a person, it is without mercy in speed and devastation. The most intense grieving of my life put me into a strange, painful, beautiful and surreal parallel dimension. The whole world began to shift around me and I decided that since nothing is guaranteed for anyone, there was no reason not to free myself from the life I hated. After the next tragedy, I walked away from what was no longer worth rotting in. I started to make the changes instead of just letting life happen to me. There were still struggles but it didn’t feel so futile. The world started to crumble again and I had my beautiful daughter. Things began to go right again. Things were getting better…until cancer decided to kick me around for a second time.

Fortunately, I’ve almost mastered rolling with the punches and learning from every kick in the gut. I’ve learned that there’s just not enough time to find all the meanings, answers and reasons. Sometimes there are no reasons, so you’ve got to create your own meanings and answer your own questions. Even when the world seems to be swallowing you and you’re in pain and you can’t make yourself leave your apartment unless you have to, you are still more free than ever before when you start honestly seeking your own truth while others are waiting for someone else to tell them. It’s the biggest weight lifted. I still live on the in-between so I remember to keep learning so I don't get stuck somewhere again. These days, my “tiny mental island” has three flights of stairs, a purple door, some animals, and room for my little family...oh and internet access.