We fed each other cake! Photo by FX Vargas
There's something about a warm chai
latte, especially this time of year. November is the month for cozy
things and savory comfort foods. I'm not entirely certain what this
one will bring, but a lot of things are uncertain, these days. This
isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Surgery was about two and a half weeks
ago, and the time has been intensely full. My mom was here for the
first two weeks, and my sister for a few days. It's been a rough
recovery, even with the added help. It was only yesterday that I
began working toward regaining the use of my arms, and I've been able
to pick up Violet a few times. That was the worst part...not being
able to pick her up. I'm glad that part is over.
I'm still in pain, but it's getting
better, and I'm weaning myself off the narcotics. There's a spot on
the back of my left arm, just above the elbow that feels prickly and
strange, and my sternum aches. Sometimes, it feels like I still have
breasts, until I look down, or touch my chest, then I feel that same
prickly sensation, only less intense. There's really nothing there,
but two long scars, stretching across the concave places where my
breasts once were. I'm nowhere near as horrified as I thought I would
be, but it is quite surreal to look at. Every time I undress in the
bathroom, I see the strangest reflection in the mirror, and I am
instantly transported to some sort of bizarre dream-scape. I'll be
attending my first support group meeting, later this month. I had to
come to the conclusion that I can't keep doing this on my own.
Talking to women who have been here really helps me. I'm ready to
reach out.
Even with all of this, there have been
wonderful things happening. In the time since surgery, I've had the
opportunity to see some incredible musicians perform, and even met a
few (including one of my favorites), my beautiful baby turned one (we
had one hell of a baby birthday bash), and I celebrated seven years
of marriage to my wonderful husband by taking Violet and my youngest
stepson out trick-or-treating. It was all very exhausting, and I know
I overdid it, but it was so worth it! I got to experience multiple
once-in-a-lifetime events, while simultaneously living through one of
the most difficult.
With Seth Siro Anton of Septicflesh
That seems to be a recurring theme in
my life; the juxtaposition of immense joy and shattering pain. Oddly,
I am grateful for both. It's not that I wanted cancer, and I
certainly didn't want to watch my brother die, a couple of years ago.
So, perhaps I should clarify: I am grateful for the beauty that finds
me, even when in the depths of darkness. There is so much to learn
from it, and so much to see. I hope I use this time wisely, as there
is much that I can glean from this experience. Of course there are
times when I fall apart. Who wouldn't? I think falling apart from
time to time is just as important as laughing and smiling.
Believe me, I'm not rainbows and
sunshine about this, all the time. It is serious, I know. It's also
very hard. However, with all the love and support that I receive on a
daily basis, it's impossible not to feel humbled, thankful, and warm.
When this is over, my next challenge will be in finding the best way
to live my life in a manner that fully earns all that I have been
given from those who don't have to care, but do, anyway. I've still
got a long way to go, before I am done. Again, I hope that I can use
this time wisely.
My little faerie-bug!
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