My Favorite Freckle

The hospital gowns are quite cozy when you wear two of them

On Wednesday, it will have been a month since surgery. I'm no longer taking pain medication of any sort, even though I'm still uncomfortable a lot of the time. The mobility in my arms has increased significantly, although the left one is lagging a bit, due to the removal of 14 lymph nodes. It's taking a while for the glue left from the surgical tape to come off, because my chest is still very tender, and I can't really scrub it off...but it's slowly washing away to reveal clean skin surrounding the two large scars, where my breasts and nipples used to be.

Before surgery, I half-jokingly asked my surgeon if I'd get to keep my favorite freckle. It sat just to the right of my right breast, just a couple of inches before my armpit. I don't know why, but I always liked it. It was cute. She said I could keep it, and I smiled about it, even though I knew I'd be losing so much more.

As I began my recovery, I could not see whether it was still there, or not, due to the surgical tape. The tape eventually came off, but as mentioned above, the sticky residue lingers. I thought about my freckle, and occasionally wondered if it had survived the operation. As more time passed, I began to think that it was probably gone, and decided to dismiss it.

In this parallel existence, there are days full of color, and days in which it's all been coated in a wash of gray. Both leave me feeling full of experience, but disconnected from the real world. This is not a bad thing, really, but sometimes I need to feel human again. I need to feel like I'm real. The things that bring me that feeling, come in various shapes and sizes, different lengths of time, and some are complete surprises. Sometimes, they snap me into my body with a vividness, and a full breath. Life flows in, clearing the sleep from my perception.

Today, that moment came, after I got out of the shower, and began getting dressed. Before covering my chest, I examined the changes in tape residue, and remembered my long, lost freckle. Looking in the mirror, I turned my attention to where I felt it should be. At first, I didn't see it, but looking more closely, I could see how the shape of everything had changed. The place where my freckle had been was gone, but the freckle itself, had in fact, just moved a little. The tape was clearing from where it now sat, exposing the little brown dot I had periodically wondered about. As I leaned into the mirror, I touched it, and tears came to my eyes. Maybe it's silly that something so small meant so much. It was certainly unexpected...but I cannot describe the relief that washed over me to see that I had one more thing I get to keep. I smiled through happy tears, as I was snapped back into my former self just long enough to really feel alive, and then the vividness rippled, and the haze of non-reality took back over. I came back into my parallel place, carrying a gift to sustain me for the day.

The rest of the day brought a trip to the Cancer Center, with its friendly staff and large, mysterious machines, followed by some bizarre exchanges with friends. There was an argument with one, a misunderstanding with another, and a warm visit with yet, another. All of them ended more positively than they began, which is a good thing, all around. Now, as I should be heading toward bed, I am reviewing the events of the day, and I'm realizing how some of the people in my life have been like my freckle; not always in sight, and sometimes faded from mind as time passes, but no matter the circumstance, the resurfacing is a happy surprise that snaps me back into where I need to be.

There it is!