No worries...I've got this.

After the busyness of today, I am amazed at how much algebra I got done before that part of my brain switched off. Seriously...when my mind is done with math for the day, it's done. Even the simplest equation looks like total nonsense after that. Sure, I still have a ton to do tomorrow, and more running around. But even when I'm tired, and the laundry goes unfolded, and Violet interrupts frequently (as babies do), I feel good when I can accomplish something in my school work.

The difference between now and high school (which I dropped out of), is that now I care. Now, it matters. I have a talent for learning things the hard way. It took years of crap jobs, barely surviving, and watching the world go by as I struggled, before I decided I'd had enough of it. Financially, things are still a struggle, but the good part is, that instead of just banging my head against the wall, doing something that makes me miserable, I'm actually going somewhere. And I don't care how long it takes, because the journey in itself is much more fulfilling than catering to unhappy customers, or squirming under the heel of a mean boss's sensible pump while tethered to a phone like a dog on a leash. I'm learning, seeing, doing more than I thought I ever could. For the first time, there is a future out there, waiting for me to grab it. There's a shiny, seasoned, new-and-improved me waiting to break to the surface.

It doesn't matter that I'm doing this at 35 instead of 25. It doesn't matter that I'll be in my 40's by the time my daughter starts school and I'm finishing up. It's not the age in years; it's the depth of wisdom, the flavor of experience, and the vibrant colors that emerge wherever I look. It's knowing that this is not all there is. There is more out there for me. There is better. As a teenager, I could not imagine the future. In my twenties, I felt like I was getting sucked into a future that I didn't want. In my thirties, I am seeing, for the first time, that I can shape my world into something desirable. It will take some time and a lot of work. There have been and will likely continue to be moments in which I feel in over my head. I'm okay with that. Just when I feel myself drowning, something gives me a push, or I kick just a little harder to reach that gasp of air that gets me to the next. There are periods of calm, and moments of bliss. There's my loving husband and my beautiful daughter. Even though I sometimes forget that I'm not stuck, the good times remind me. It's all good...I've got this.

Growing Violet

It's been a whirlwind of change since I first heard the cries of my sweet baby on October 28^th. I held her in my arms as the world took on color in the most vibrant hues. Suddenly, I felt a purpose, and life became so much more than what it had been. Every day since has been an unparalleled gift, and watching her grow and learn to do new things brings me joy like nothing else can. Even when the world seems to bear down on us and stress threatens to tear it all apart, all I have to do is look at her and I can genuinely smile.

In a week, Violet will be six months old. Yesterday, she took her first trip to the zoo. I know she won't remember it, but seeing her watch the otters play and smile at friendly faces will stay with me for the rest of my life. Even the way she fell asleep before the elephants will be a happy memory. Today, was a quiet day at home. We spent some time as a family on our bed, as the sky began to darken in early evening. Everything was visible, but soft and dim. Colors took on a sleepy gray tinge as I dreamily played with my happy daughter, hearing her coos and watching her movements. Her fascination with hands lights my spirit, as does the joyous movement of her legs. She expresses her happiness with her feet and I can't help wondering if she'll be a dancer...or maybe a Kung Fu master? The best part is, she can be anything she desires and her father and I will be here as reminders that she can achieve it.

I know that there will be times when her choices will be upsetting, but that is part of learning. That is part of becoming. For now, we have a laughing, happy baby who fusses at times, but is over all, doing an amazing job at being her and reminding us that there is immeasurable beauty to be found in this world. Just as her life is beginning, it feels like mine is too.  

Closing the Chapter on a Joyful Journey...

I have been meaning to do some writing regarding feminist issues but haven't been able to get started. I mainly intended to focus on Relational Aggression and I'm sure I will be going there at some point. Today, I write about something else. I received heartbreaking news, this afternoon. A woman I greatly admire lost her battle with a nasty brain tumor last night. Ann was more than a women's studies teacher. She was a bright light, a beacon of truth, and a hero of mine. In January of 2010, myself and an unsuspecting group of people I didn't know entered her classroom, some of us to be changed for the better, forever. She emphasized “Compassionate Awareness” as opposed to “Political Correctness” and “Being pulled joyfully along” rather than suffering through learning about the world's injustices.

It only took ten weeks to awaken the sleeping feminist within and ignite a desire to “see through the bullshit” in all things, then go out into the world, spreading her gift of compassionate awareness while continuing to learn as much as I can, while forming bonds with others who seek enlightenment and change. In addition to becoming more closely acquainted with that inner feminist, some incredible friendships were formed and together we cried, got angry, bewildered, and most importantly, we laughed. We learned that the political IS personal and that vigilance is to be maintained if we are to remain sharp and aware. Between Ann's class and Gail's English 102 class in which we were to write research essays about topics we were passionate about, I found direction. I found a feverish desire to keep learning so that I might continue in the footsteps of the feminists before me. Furthermore, I found a longing to expose and help to eliminate the evils of Relational Aggression in women, as it only serves to hinder the fight for equality. I emerged from that ten-week, exhausting, fulfilling and eye-opening course feeling empowered, fearless and hungry for change. I just needed to focus on my direction and stay on-course.

In the spring that immediately followed, I was unexpectedly thrown from that course when George, my baby brother, died as a result of three terrible brain tumors. So much of that time is a blur but it wasn't long after George's death when the sickeningly devastating news reached me that Ann, wonderful Ann, OUR beloved Ann had been diagnosed with a brain tumor, herself. It put a dagger in my heart and a fist in my gut. I was still reeling from the death of my brother as well as the near-death and horrible disfigurement of a dear friend and now THIS?

Those of us who remained in contact from her class discussed keeping in touch with her and organizing a visit. However, it was just too close to home and it wasn't until just a few weeks ago that I was finally in a state that allowed me to see her. I hitched a ride with my friend Susan and I made sure to bring Violet along...I wanted to show Ann how her influence would live on in the next generation. By this time, she was officially dying and while it was so indescribably sad, I was glad to learn that she was able to do so in the comfort of her apartment with her partner and the people from hospice seeing to her care. It was so much better than dying in a hospital the way George did, but then George's decline had been too rapid to offer any other option.

She looked different. We saw her from behind, at first...sitting at a glass dining table in her wheelchair. We approached her slowly. I wasn't sure how badly the tumor might have ravaged her mentally but she immediately remembered not only who I was, but that Daryll sat in on our Saturday sessions with us. She was paralyzed on her left side and her appearance had changed, but she was sharp! She was still Ann! She was wheeled over to a comfy chair and we all sat and talked. I showed her my sleeping child and told her that I had brought her the future of the world to see. She looked at Violet and said “That gives me hope”, and then proceeded to apologize to her in her wonderful Philadelphia accent for the mess we are leaving her with. It was priceless! A moment that should have had me in tears (and did after I got home), instead had me feeling warm and smiling. Those two hours were beyond precious to me and while many of the visit's details are already escaping my memory, I will always remember and smile at the last moments I shared with one of my life's greatest mentors. Even though we all knew she was dying, she still offered her advice for the continuation of our academic pursuits as well as her continued assistance. “Any time” she said and “always”. She didn't call it dying. She referred to it as her retirement and while I can only speculate, I believe that she intended to continue being there for us and anyone else who needed her until her last breath. Even as she was dying, she continued to LIVE and did it with the kind of acceptance and grace that I hope to one day achieve. As we left Ann that day, I felt a bizarre mixture of grief, hope, joy and sadness. Above all, however, I felt admiration and gratitude. Even now, as I am so unbelievably saddened by the news of her death, that same admiration and gratitude swell within me. I will continue to learn and grow with Compassionate Awareness and I will pass these things onto my daughter and through these things, Ann will live on.

Thank you Ann. If I live to become half as wise and aware as you, I may just earn my place in this world.  

No matter how many times I have to learn the painful way that sometimes ideas and opinions do not translate well in type, it seems that on occasion, I am due for another reminder. Tonight was one of those occasions. I expressed an opinion and it was not well received. Feeling that the parties involved were misunderstanding the point I was trying to make, I attempted to elaborate only to dig myself deeper into a pit of hostile feelings, snarky opinions and futility. In the end, my point was completely missed, I was judged unfairly and in a fit of rage, I severed some online ties and as much as I want to believe they don't matter to me at all...they apparently do. That's not to say that I need some of these people in my life. I don't. However, if they didn't matter to me on some level, I would not have gotten upset and I'm ashamed to admit I got very upset. I was hurt deeply. It seems so stupid now, but I was.

I really don't want to make myself look like a big whiny, misunderstood victim. I don't think putting it off entirely on others is fair. I did not communicate in a way they could understand and it bit me in the ass. Fine, whatever. It got me thinking, though. And as usual, once I start thinking on a subject my brain does not shut up until I deal with it in some way. So, if I want to get ANY sleep at all tonight, I'll deal with it in the only way I know how.

Getting through this is going to require some acceptance on my part. I have to accept that sometimes my thoughts are more intricate than my ability to outwardly communicate them to others and this can cause trouble. I have to accept that people have varying opinions and sometimes those opinions clash. I have to accept that any time I allow myself to believe that I'm “among friends” in an online setting, I'm setting myself up to eventually be disappointed. I also have to accept that not everyone is going to be as courteous and non-judgmental about opinions they disagree with as I am (that's not to say I'm always perfect but I'm not one to jump on people, either). The biggest one though, is accepting that when I get into any of the above situations, the only one I can blame for it is myself. I should really know better than to get so involved. Meh...I tend to learn things the hard way.

Here is what I do NOT have to accept: I do not have to accept rudeness. I do not have to accept other people's opinions of me or my ideas when they clearly don't get what I'm saying. I do not have to accept the limits they want to place on me due to their lack of understanding. If you want black and white opinions and ideas, don't come looking to me. I am not black and white. My opinions, ideals and emotions are laced with a variety of color and hue. Who says I can only feel one way about something? WHO SAYS? Life, the world and the people in it are not that simple I am not that simple. I am a complex human being with my own set of thoughts, feelings emotions and beliefs that often times intermingle because I refuse to see things in only one light. I am multifaceted and I refuse to iron myself flat for anyone. If you can't keep up, that's fine but do not expect me to slow down and rearrange myself just so you can understand. And if you don't understand, that's fine. I don't expect you to. That does not, however, mean I have to put up with your judgments. There are plenty of things I don't understand. If I make a valiant effort to understand something only to have it continue to escape me then I have to accept that I don't understand it and move on.

That being said, I suppose it's time to accept the lesson. The way we conduct ourselves socially has changed. We live almost as much on the internet as we do in the real world and I sometimes wonder if the two are switching places. It is too easy to get caught up in the cyber world and become too comfortable. That's not to say that I've never made true friends online. I have and I cherish them. However, they are a small fraction of the people I interact with and once again, I need to remind myself that not everyone believes in being an open book and when I allow myself to become one, I am left vulnerable to have my pages stained and torn. I should be grateful for this. I have the two most important things in the universe right here in the very same room with me; my husband and my baby daughter. I like having friends online and off but really, it's my little family that really matters and I cherish them. In my little apartment in my little world, I have no fear of how I am received. This is my world, my sanctuary, my everything. Eventually, I'll learn to just let all the other stuff go. After all, most of it isn't real, anyway.

A Gift of Violet

Violet was born almost a week and two days ago. Thirty hours of intense contractions...an epidural for about half that time. I endured hours and hours of pain I never knew before, only to result in a cesarean leaving me with lingering pain from that as well. For my first several hours of recovery, I couldn't even hold my baby girl but I was able to have her rested beside me. As I first came to after the operation, I heard a baby crying, I heard word of a little girl (we had kept her sex a surprise) and I heard my husband's voice as he cooed over our inconsolable little one. I heard that I had a daughter and I immediately began to cry. The love I carried inside for thirty-nine and a half weeks was now on the outside, screaming to the world that she was here and I was in tears from the pain and the confusion but mostly, my sobs were brought by joy mixed with disbelief. My baby was here. Violet Phoenix was here.

She came home with us on October 31^st, our six-year anniversary. This past week has been physically and emotionally taxing. Even with my wonderful husband helping me around the clock, recovering from a major abdominal surgery while caring for a newborn is no simple task. However, I am in constant awe at the amount of love I feel for this tiny person and I often fear that this is all a dream. If it is, I hope to never wake from it. She is everything to me. I look at her beautiful little face, I run my hand gently across her silken hair and I often weep as this incredible love bursts from the fragile shell of my being.

Knowing that she almost never was, mystifies and frightens me. We weren't going to have a child. We didn't think we should. We're broke and struggling. We have health issues. We had a million excuses as to why we shouldn't, even though being a mother was what I wanted more than anything in the world. There were countless times when I would find myself sneaking out to the kitchen in the middle of the night to secretly cry tears of longing and regret, thinking the greatest gift in all the universe would never be mine.

Last night, as she slept, I gently caressed my beautiful baby's face, listening to one of the CDs I made for our stay in the hospital and one of the song's from George's iPod came on. I looked down at my lovely daughter and was filled with a combination of heart-wrenching loss and soul-igniting gain all in the same inward breath. The cycle of life, love, pain and death all moved with a bitter-sweet grace all about me and I sat at the center of its light. It was George's death that made us realize the frailty of it all and how nothing is guaranteed. It was George's death that gave us the courage to take hold of what we want. Fear should never keep us from life's gifts and losing my baby brother made it so crisp and so clear. Were it not for my greatest loss, I would not be experiencing my greatest joy. Humbled, dizzied and weak, I marvel through my tears at this incredible cycle of events and I hope that from wherever he is, George can look down at his tiny niece and be proud knowing that he helped bring her to us. Violet will surely grow up with stories about Uncle George and how large and full of love he was.

Thank you, baby brother. Thank you for this gift. I miss you more than I could ever fully express but I am eternally grateful for what you have given me. I will cherish this always, I promise.  

What breaking free feels like...

I think most of us have worked in places that were less than ideal. Some of these jobs may have even been downright miserable. I spent five years in such an environment. I won't name the employer or the manager who made my life hell because I don't want to be that petty and I know that any future employer could potentially see this post. Maybe I shouldn't be posting at all but I really feel strongly that it is worth talking about. 

I don't need to go into huge detail. It was a call center. Call center work can be grueling in and of itself due to the fact that people are much more likely to be abusive to you over the phone than in person. It really can take some getting used to. There were good days and bad days as far as the calls were concerned. Some days, I dealt with people who made me smile. Some days it felt like everyone who called was a mean-spirited asshole. My favorite calls were the ones that started out with someone screaming or threatening and ended with things like, "Thank god! You are the first person who has ever helped me! I'm sorry if I was angry. Thank you so much!". I really felt like I accomplished something on those calls and they actually made me feel good about my job.

So yes, call center work has its ups and downs and it can be mentally and emotionally draining. That is something I can deal with. When you add to it a ruthless, vindictive manager who thrives on controlling people with fear, what could be a tolerable and even enjoyable work environment becomes a living nightmare. My bully boss was a woman and I wasn't the only one who had trouble with her. She made life miserable for most people and as is often the case, the company didn't care to do anything about it, despite numerous and valid complaints. She was a textbook case of the queen bee boss. I know this, because she was just awful enough to spark my feverish studies of relational aggression and abusive bosses. What I learned was that you really can't defeat them. All you can do is get away from them. 

So why did I stay so long? I mean, I was truly miserable. We're talking, sitting on the sofa, sobbing myself stupid before work, miserable. I had multiple reasons. I needed the insurance, the job market was (and still is) absolutely awful...mostly, I was afraid. Being the sole income provider and barely surviving made jumping into something else highly risky. I felt stuck, as did a lot of my colleagues, and she used that fear and feeling of helplessness against us with a merciless fury. Just about everyone went through periods of being picked on before she moved onto someone else. She was clearly a miserable person and had the constant expression that lead me to wonder if someone farted and only she could smell it. I wanted to get away from her so badly but I just couldn't figure out how. I was sick of her demoralizing lectures and inappropriate comments behind closed doors. I was tired of wondering what sort of abuse I would endure during my next employee evaluation or what kind of inappropriate judgments and threats she would make whenever I got sick and couldn't come to work. 

I won't go into detail about the events that lead to my freedom as there is nearly a novel's worth. I will say that after the death of my brother and the near-fatal wounding of my ex-boyfriend only a month and a half later, I learned a lot about how fragile any circumstance can be and that there are no guarantees. I had already been a part-time college student for about a year, supplementing my income with grants and loans. After an inexcusable act of emotional abuse by this horrible woman, it dawned on me that it was time to make my escape, no matter how frightening or risky. I bumped my student status to full-time, increasing my school income to almost what my job brought in and I submitted a week's notice. Telling her to her face that I was leaving was one of the most thrilling and empowering moments of my life. She couldn't control me any more. 

I walked out of that pit of despair for the last time exactly one year ago and I am still positive that it was one of the best things I've ever done for myself. I realized that even though it can take a while to find the exit, we are not always as stuck as we think we are. I wish more of my former co-workers would come to this conclusion and free themselves. This past year has been full of uncertainty, tremendous financial struggle...and extreme gratitude. I still have nightmares about her on occasion, which I've read is fairly normal. They won't last forever. Besides, I've already had a confidence boost from the work study job I had for a few months afterward. It was quite a change going from one female boss who belittled and abused me to one who actually said I was an asset to the company! It was sad when work study funds were cut. I found a lot of healing in that place and much of my dignity was returned to me. 

So, today as I muddle through maddening algebra assignments, I am also pausing to be grateful for the leap I was finally strong enough to make. Now, for the first time in my life, I see a future unfolding before me. It isn't with out its struggle and uncertainty but I am much stronger and I have vowed to myself that I will never allow myself to live through that kind of abuse again. I will never allow myself to be controlled by fear.

Some time before I made my escape, a friend of mine had freed herself from a bad situation. This is what she said it felt like. Now I know that feeling, too. Very powerful!

To George or Violet:

My dreams are cluttered as usual but for a time in that realm, you had already arrived and I held you. Sometimes you're a boy, other times, a girl...the dreams don't always say because that part doesn't matter to me. You were a boy this time, so I knew your name. You were so tiny and warm. I had to make sure to support your head as I lifted you and brought your warmth to rest on me. You are my most sacred gift and when you arrive, I will cry, I will hold you, I will sing songs to you. There will be stories and games and naps and fussing. There will be adventures and things to learn and see. I've got a whole world to show you. But mostly, I just want to hold onto you knowing that you are the most beautiful and wondrous thing in the universe. I can't wait to meet you on the outside.


Love, 
Mommy