This year summer came on swift and early, hot and dry. I had
found love, or it had found me; and it looked as though a world of adventure
and bliss was finally opening up for me. Well, it seems now that it was just a
mirage. The man I had loved and lost for eleven years had found me, opened my
heart, and then decided he didn’t want it. Okay. Well. This hurts. It hurts
like death. Though he insists he loves me and my daughter and wishes to maintain
a friendship, he can’t handle a relationship with anyone right now. Given his
history, I understand. I really do. But I hurt and it’s a slow, lingering pain.
I’ve been lying here like a barren desert. All of my insides
have been scraped out and I’ve been left open and exposed to dry out and rot
under the oppressive rays of the sun. It seems so senseless and wrong, all of
it. I was happy before he came along. I had finally decided that I didn’t want
a man in my life and that all I needed was my daughter and Krav Maga. I was
okay. I had a plan.
Men have a fantastic way of laying waste to my plans, at least
the men who enter my life do. This one isn’t a bad man. He’s a very good man
and I will try to be his friend, but damn. My sense of direction is completely
fucked. The sun got in my eyes and I was blindsided. Now I have to sew myself
up and start over. Alone.
Last night he came over. We had drinks, talked, laughed, and
I cried. A lot. It was kind of him to help me talk it through. For a while
things felt good. I had my friend and that was okay. Of course when he had to
leave, I crumbled. Love can be such a humiliating and devastating thing. I’m
still not sure if talking to him is a good or a bad thing right now. I guess I’ll
play it by ear. I dragged my wounded carcass to bed and lost myself to
tormenting dreams.
Today it’s raining. Sweet, blessed rain and the scent of
cooling have come at just the right time. Everything aches, but I can breathe
and the racing of my mind has slowed just enough for me to function. I have
Violet, and I marveled at all she is as she played mermaid in the tub this
morning. My focus was, is, and will always be mainly on her. That is something
that hasn’t changed. Even when I thought I had someone, she was still the top
priority. Even when I’m writhing with loss, my love for her keeps me breathing.
That is a love I can count on always. I didn’t want to be a single mom but I am
one. It gets terrifying and lonely, but I will fill that space with her and
with my training. I have a life to build for us and men are probably very bad
for me. As the rain fills my charred desert body, mixing the dust into mud, and
bringing the scent of something fresh and alive, I will slowly pull my
scattered parts back in, cleanse them, and rebuild my fortress. Let the rain
keep falling. Let it wash the grime away. Let me breathe in the wet of Earth
and find myself again.
