Breathing in
transparent daydream,
lungs expand
body fills with music
from my headphones.
Soul stretches
searching to feel
the expanse of my being
as it reaches out
to the inward universes
that make me whole
and alive.
Simple turn of my head,
and mental planets
shift
as deep breath winds
carry my vision
far from this plane
and into the unknown.
I am worlds colliding.
This is a strange time, indeed. I mean,
two blogs in the same week? Something is definitely happening here.
Throughout this whole journey, I have marveled at the sights, the
lessons, connections made and lost. I know I am close to the border
between the “real” world and my dreamscape but even with all the
beautiful beacons I've met along the way, lighting this other world
like twinkling stars...things only seem to be getting more strange,
not less. This is not a bad thing, just unexpected. I entered this
place with experience but my last visit left me feeling like I was
just a visitor passing through. This time, I have gone deeper and the
twists and turns have been many. This time it was more beautiful,
more humbling, and more meaningful than before. This time the change
runs deep and while I know crossing that border is inevitable, I
can't help feeling like I am leaving something behind (aside from my
discarded breasts and ovaries), and also taking a permanent souvenir
with me.
The day began with Violet, as it always
does. My beautiful faerie Liebchen calling from her crib to let us
know that morning and breakfast were calling. I was actually up
earlier than usual, so I was more alert to her needs. I picked her
up, hugging and kissing her the way I always do...as if it could be
my last chance to hold such a sacred gift. Daryll took over after
some coaxing with sweet words, a happy little girl, and the promise
of coffee. I didn't have time to do all the mommy things today. I had
to be ready for what had long felt like a distant fantasy that would
vanish in a puff of smoke at the slightest fluttering of sleepy
eyelashes. It was finally time for my pre-opp appointment with my
plastic surgeon. I made sure to look my best (or at least the best I
could before 9am), selected some of my favorite jewelry out of the
items for sale (a girl has to advertise, after all). It took a while
to settle on the perfect necklace. I felt that the day called for
just the right piece. Once I was ready and had fresh coffee in my
“Australia-green” travel cup, I went down to the car...and then
back up to grab the afore mentioned travel cup. Forgetfulness is
pretty routine these days.
Summer Solstice, Midsummer, June 21st,
our pale-green Taurus with the slight dent on the passenger's side
(who knew rubber trashcans could DO that), music, clouds, and blue.
The drive to PeaceHealth felt like flowing under water and in the sky
at the same time. I barely made it to my appointment on time, but I
made it! Entering the waiting room to Dr. Gabriel's office has always
been intimidating. With its leather furniture, dim lighting, safe and
tasteful art on the walls, and staff of beautiful women, I definitely
feel the full weight of my socio-economic status as I walk in. Today
it felt a little less ominous. Perhaps it was my awesome
bluish-purple hair that I had managed to style almost perfectly, or
maybe it was my shiny but tasteful jewelry. Perhaps after being as
exposed as I've been, it just doesn’t hit as hard as it used to. Or
maybe I'm just too excited about getting a hot new cancer-resistant
rack to really care.
Dr. Gabriel was stuck in a procedure,
and I opted to wait. I had filled out a novel's-worth of paperwork,
after all. I chatted with his receptionist. She refilled my magic
green cup, she offered me a place on the lobby for my business cards
(insert sound of squee here), and after the good doctor had called to
say it would be another thirty minutes, he almost immediately popped
through the door with an amused grin on his face. Yeah, this guy is
pretty cool. I was given prescriptions and instructions. He shook my
hand warmly and said I was going to do great. On my way out I left a
stack of cards next to some brochures and headed for the elevator and
the way out. As I passed through the sliding-glass front entrance, I
saw a middle aged woman with a gorgeous little round-headed baby
girl. This was nothing unusual in itself as these buildings also
house Violet's pediatrician's office. I noticed that woman and baby
were focusing on something on the ground. As I moved closer and
commented on the sheer adorableness of the baby, the woman looked at
me and almost immediately asked me about my necklace. I told her
about it and the Etsy. She said her daughter would be very
interested, so I gave her a card. Then I turned my attention to what
they had been looking at. It was the biggest beetle I had ever seen!
It had yellow and rich brown stripes, and was approximately an inch
and a half long. I was absolutely charmed by it and maybe it's my
strange dreamy self, maybe it isn't, but a powerful feeling was
beginning to awaken. Voicing concern over our little friend, the
woman agreed with me and we devised a plan to ensure its safety. This
vibrant creature was too precious to meet with the bottom of any
shoe. A young man came to claim the baby and we were free to execute
our rescue mission. Taking my card, she went to try and scoop the
beetle up but decided she'd need another piece of paper or something
to help guide the precious creature onto the card. Obviously the
answer was another card, so I offered one to her. Perfect! Our little
friend was lifted off the ground and moved to safety! Satisfied with
our good deed, we talked for a moment about the importance of nature
and how humanity has done a lousy job caring for the Earth. At some
point during all of this I had told her the reason behind the jewelry
store. She wished me luck, I thanked her, and we parted ways as
courageous beetle-heroes.
As I drove home, that powerful feeling
grew until I felt I might burst into beams of light. It brought with
it something old and familiar. I remembered a part of myself that
peaks through the cracks once in a while but hasn't fully emerged in
years. I remembered myself. I remembered my real self. The magic that
accompanied sky and music, and the synchronicity of all things sacred
to me. I remembered the poet and the artist who moved freely through
night and fell madly in love with the wind who had always felt like
my dearest friend. I remembered myself and with that memory came a
floodgate of emotions and I barely kept back tears of amazement.
Perhaps if my surroundings had been more secure I'd have let them
come. I parked, ascended the stairs to the apartment, went inside,
and so much after that is fuzzy. I remember needing to read my old
poetry and digging out my little diary where they are kept...all
except the one I was looking for. However, reading some of the others
created a longing for that piece to come back and bring the artist
along with her. We could have tea or wine. We could create, laugh,
cry and be.
The feeling began to quiet as I resumed
my responsibilities to my family and my business. There was a surge
of the old anxiety, but time spent with beads, my daughter's soft
cheeks, and music made it bearable. I hung out with metal which helps
me feel alive and then I ran to the strange wisdom of Tori Amos who
taught me the most important things about being a woman. Even after
that old near-forgotten place faded as easily as the gold of the sun
fades its way to fiery red on the trees and sides of buildings and
then vanishes altogether, I was glad for having that brief return of
the magic that sustained me for so long before I had to learn to be
strong in other ways.
The day closed with a visit from a dear
friend, some wine, and a Midsummer offering to the faeries. I posted
some new items in the store and tomorrow I'll likely be too busy to
lose myself in my passions and dreams. I'm not bitter about it. I
have Violet and her world of magic to marvel in. Still...there was
something about today and I'm grateful.
Should I call him Ringo or Bailey?
No comments:
Post a Comment