Well, I went in for my chemotherapy
appointment on Tuesday only to discover that due to some hiccups with
test results and pending insurance approval, that it had to be moved
to Friday. At first, I was irritated, especially since I'd already
shaved my head for the occasion. I wanted to get this moving. I want
to beat this monster. As my impatience cools, I have had a couple of
extra days to think on all of this. Being bald really isn't so bad.
It's not that I don't miss my hair. I definitely do. This extra wait
has just confirmed to me how ready I am. I am almost surprised at my
level of calm in all this. Is it because I've had cancer before and I
know what to expect? Is it because I've watched my brother die, my
daughter be born and through those things, I've simply learned to
ride the waves, as it were? I'm not deluding myself. I know this
isn't going to be easy. They're going to poison me for a few months
and then take my breasts. Sure, I'll be getting new ones, and my hair
will grow back...but it's still a pretty big deal. Cancer is always a
big deal. I guess I'm just that ready. There are and have been many
chaotic points in my life, but in this, I seem to be finding my place
of zen. As my body is being ravaged by the illness and the cure, I
feel at peace with it. I have been assured by my oncologist that
tomorrow we will proceed. Is it odd that I almost look forward to it?
I suppose that there are a lot of
people who would ask the “why me?” questions. I think when I was
twenty and doing this, I did. Today, my response is “Why not me?”
Why not George? Why not anyone? It's not a nice thing. It's a painful
and difficult thing, but it is what it is and it happens to people. I
am no more or no less deserving than anyone. It happens. I'm okay
with that.
Well, the hour is late. I think I'll
finish my decaf latte, tend to my teething baby, and call it a night.
The battle begins early tomorrow, and I am ready.
"Did my time among the strong.
Some are here and some are gone.
Did my time among the cursed,
praying that my brain would burst."
~Glenn Danzig
I would still take it from you, if I could, but maybe I'd be helping a butterfly out of its cocoon? Praying for you, L'il One. It's all I know how to do :-)
ReplyDelete