Today (yesterday, since
it's now past midnight) I completed my ten-day radiation course on my spine. It
was bittersweet, much like last time. As I sit here awake, trying to soothe my
burnt esophagus with cold chocolate almond milk and dilauded (poor thing got
caught in the crossfire), I am missing the wonderful staff there. I even miss
Seymour a little bit. My long-time readers might remember that Seymour is the
name I gave the radiation machine.
"Feed me Seymour, feed me now..." ~Little Shop of Horrors
One of the techs was
from last time, and she remembered me which had me floored, since I have
breasts (fake ones, but still) and hair now. Plus, that was a few YEARS ago.
Jesse says I'm a memorable person, but that's been a difficult one for me to grasp
with my history of being an ugly duckling and feeling invisible most of my
life. It was good to see her again, despite the circumstances, and the other
techs were amazing as well. I'm really going to miss them, but mostly I’ll miss
Dr. Siddiqui. Our interactions have been brief, but very meaningful. He’s not
just a good doctor, but a genuinely good human being with a lovely soul and we
have the best conversations! I’m sure there will be a checkup or two with him
at some point. It will be nice to get to say hello.
There is a stereo in the
radiation room, which I could hook my phone into. This time around, I was drawn
to Wardruna. The drums, the chants, the sounds of Earth, the magic of their
songs…this is what I needed as Seymour rotated his great head around my body
sending radiation from beneath and then above me. Where I suppose many would
feel weak and drained by the experience, I felt empowered. I felt alive. Music
has always been magic to me. While I am in no way religious, I consider myself
to be a deeply spiritual person, and music is one of the things my soul
rejoices in the most. My time with Seymour and the techs became an almost
spiritual practice with Wardruna guiding the ceremony. It was a strange sort of
beautiful. What was strange about today was that one song in particular, my
phone chose to play twice. This has never happened before, so naturally I took
it as something I need to pay attention to. I believe deeply in the little
messages the universe sneaks in. The lyrics are all in Norse, so I looked up
the translation of this specific song. I’m not sure how it applies to my
situation other than the fact that I believe in dwarves and other fair-folk. “Warrior”
is also a title given to me by many, and I’m learning to embrace it. And hey,
who doesn’t love to party with a little ale, huh? I shall have to delve deeper
into Norse studies, which I already have an interest in.
“Beneath dwarfs of the hall
Swells sound to its sides
Between table rows
Dance of fire passing for the vent
Flickers in eyes,
They steal glances at skirts
Where warriors sit
cheerful in the beer-hall
Drinking toasts from the ale-bowls
the bard strikes his strings
The dice its silent chant
Your fortune and fate
Where warriors sit
cheerful in the beer-hall
Pertho is a bottomless source
of fun and games
Where warriors sit
cheerful in the beer-hall”
Even though I’ve only
just returned, I chose not to attend any Krav Maga training this week. I had
forgotten how very exhausting radiation is, and with regular pain meds on top
of that I was absolutely wiped. I’m learning to listen to my body and sometimes
it tells me I need to rest. So rest, I did…sort of. There has also been a
frenzy of reorganizing and moving furniture in the apartment. I have also been
busying myself with delving fully and deeply into the study and practice of
using the Law of Attraction as introduced to me in “The Secret” documentary and a couple of the corresponding books.
So far, it seems that the most important part of getting the Law of Attraction
to work in my favor means continuously practicing and expressing gratitude. And
you know what? Call me crazy here, but…it seems to be working! The more
grateful I am for things, the
more things seem to be going my way! Am I “out of the woods” yet? Does it
matter? I’m on a journey, an adventure! So, I have stage 4 metastatic breast
cancer. So, I have PTSD. So what! Those
things are not who I am! Most of my life has felt like a complete shit-show, but
that doesn’t matter anymore. In fact, I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful for the
lessons, as they have served to temper my steel. I am finally accepting the fact that I am an incredibly resilient
person and one of the strongest you might meet. This doesn’t mean I never
crumble. Strong people crumble, and then we
get back up. I have always gotten back up and I always will. This time,
added to my quiver is the arrow of gratitude to shoot into the darkness of
doubt and fear. I am ready, I am getting up, I am grateful, and I am fierce.
Poor hand positioning here, but this was after three months of no Krav and two weeks in the hospital
