Bear Medicine

Throughout history, there has been many a tale woven around many a legendary man. Some of them make the history books. Some of them are passed down through small societies or families. These men, great and influential, all started with an event. Some more seemingly monumental than others, but all greatly huge and statuesque in the minds of those who started the original tales. These are the stories that usually begin with phrases such as, “He was a great big bear of a man…” I too hold one such tale. And while it may not be known the world over, my tale is monumental to me and so:

He was a great big bear of a man…

I was sixteen and had been living in a world torn to shreds by the messy divorce of my parents. Messy would actually be an understatement. It was horrendous. It was traumatizing. It was beyond ugly. It tore myself and my siblings between two worlds. Portland, Oregon and Salt Lake City, Utah are universes apart, or so it seems; not just in physical distance but in culture and scenery. I hate Utah. I always have. After the split, my father ran with us to SLC where a majority of his family resided. On that I couldn’t blame him. When things detonate it’s good to return to what you know. Mom stayed behind in Portland.

It took many years for me to understand the seeming insanity that both of my parents succumbed to. The tragic end to my own eight year marriage actually puts a lot of it into perspective. Divorce kind of makes you lose your mind for a while and given the severity of my parents’ divorce, in hindsight, I’m not surprised that they were both nut-jobs for a while. I was a nut job at the end of my marriage too.

Let me make it clear that both of my parents are wonderful people. They made plenty of mistakes, sure, but they love their children. They were not given the coping mechanisms required to make things less tumultuous. They did not have the proper influences growing up that would have allowed for a smoother transition. Daddy was hurt and angry and Mom was lost and alone. I was their oldest child, defiant and headstrong. Sometimes I wonder how they survived me.

I spent some time in Salt Lake with my dad and siblings feeling trapped and miserable. My life was in Portland. Everything I knew and cared about was in Portland. My dad and I have always had a very complicated relationship. The love there is powerful but the clashing was equally so at the time and for many years after. After some bouncing back and forth, I once again ended back in Portland with my mom, back at Wilson High School, back with my old friends. The place where Mom was living for reasons I can’t remember, was not going to last and so I ended up moving in for a time with my best friend and her father who was not a mentally stable man. It didn’t take long for things to fall apart there. Mom was in a strange state of being. She had decided that she could not bear to be away from her children anymore and was making plans to move to Salt Lake. True to my stubborn self, I refused to go with her. Utah had been Hell for me for many reasons and there was no way I was going to return there. Rather than fight me on it she decided that she was going to go and I could find another place to stay. I was hurt beyond reason by this. I couldn’t understand how she could just leave me. Things are different now and I see how we both had some massive wounds clouding our judgment but at the time the only thing I could see was that my mother was leaving me.

I found myself in a school assembly sitting with my friend Dewey at about this time, sobbing and telling him my story. I told him that my mom was leaving and I didn’t know what I was going to do. Dewey was a sweet and compassionate soul. He felt my pain and was deeply worried for me. He lived alone with his father and decided that he was going to talk to him about my predicament to see if there was something that could be done. It wasn’t too long after that I found myself taking the city bus after school with Dewey, on my way to meet his dad. I was terrified and lost but hopeful. Maybe the lost and unwanted girl had a chance at something better. Maybe someone could help me.

Dewey lived in a nice craftsman style home with a fenced yard in what seemed to be a quiet neighborhood. He gave me a tour, starting with the backyard. He told me things that I’ve since forgotten and lead me to the front room where there were swords on the wall and the biggest collection of Elvira pictures I have ever seen. Apparently his dad was a big fan. He showed me where the couches were, stating that I could sit there whenever I wanted unless the elders were visiting, then I would have to make do with the floor. Being a naïve white girl, I didn’t fully understand what that meant at the time. Dewey and his dad were Native American so there was an entirely new culture I was going to have to learn about.

He introduced me to his father, whose given name I’m not sure I was ever presented with. He was a big bear of a man…people called him Grizzly. Dewey had an activity to attend, so I was left with this giant bear to discuss my situation and what he could do for me. In awe of his presence, I sat cross-legged on the floor before him, looking up wide-eyed and lost, hoping for answers to my sorrow.

He asked me things about myself and he told me the conditions of moving into his house. He was going to take me in. He was willing to raise me as his own. I don’t remember too many of the words we exchanged but at a time when I felt cast aside and unimportant, this man, this Grizzly Bear, saw me. He really saw me and he really heard me. He made me visible. He made me real. Most importantly, he understood me. He said things that made sense, things I could understand and respect. In just a few short hours, I knew without a doubt that this man had the patience and power to guide me through life and help me become a stable person. He had things to teach me, things that I wanted to learn. For the first time in an eternity, I saw hope for myself…but I also felt deep loss. I felt alone. I felt abandoned. I shared my pain with him. I told him about my father and the things I had endured in Salt Lake. I told him of the gruesome unfolding of events that tore my family to pieces. I told him of how my mother was leaving me and how it hurt me so.

The things that my parents found distasteful about my appearance, like my dyed-black hair and dark clothing, he didn’t mind. He told me that I had nice hair and tied it back into a ponytail using a strip of brown leather. I carried that strip of leather for years and always used it to tie back my hair until the inevitable day when it finally broke. This bear was saving my life, even though I’m not sure he knew it. He listened to my side of things and he shared with me what he expected of me. He even offered his opinions on what a woman ought to be like and how to behave without making me feel like I wasn't good enough as I was. 

After much discussing and many tears on my part, Grizzly reached for the phone and called my mother to come meet with us and discuss how things were going to unfold. When she arrived and sat in that room with us, a conversation began. Its words I don’t remember, just his warmth and calm reasoning accompanied by mine and my mother’s sobs. So much had been broken. So much had been damaged. He saw through the troubles and our miscommunication. He mended the rift. He convinced her to stay and take care of me. This man, this Grizzly Bear, gave me my mother back.

Mom rented an apartment for us and eventually my brother Richard joined us and when my English grandmother was in the country it was a place for her to stay. Soon after that I dropped out of school and we moved into a rental house across town. I spent quite a bit of time in limbo but always thinking of the man who would forever be my Papa Bear. Dewey would visit periodically and I would ask after him. He would also ask after me. Over time, Dewey and I lost touch and many tumultuous events lead me to a different life in a different world.

My life hasn’t been the most difficult a person can have but it hasn’t been easy either. My propensity for hard lessons has seasoned me in ways not thought possible. Through all of it, for many years, I thought about Papa Bear. I had long forgotten where his house was but I had dreams of finding him and walking through his door to tell him of the things I’d learned. With every lesson, with every milestone, I hoped that I was becoming someone he would be proud of. People weren’t so easy to track down back then and unbeknownst to me, Dewey had changed his name and fulfilled his dream of moving to Brazil. It seemed there was no way to track down my Papa Bear and for years I feared that if I ever found where he was it would be too late.

It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that with the help of some old high school friends, I found Dewey on social media and opened a dialogue. It took him a moment to remember me but when he did, my would-be brother and I became fast friends again. He had made a fascinating life for himself and I smiled at how he had grown. I wanted to ask about Papa Bear but I didn’t have the courage. He had been very heavy and after all that time I knew the chances of him being gone were high. As it turned out, I never had to worry about asking. Eventually Dewey posted on Facebook about how his father had influenced his life and the lives of many others along with the lyrics to a song “Papa was a Grizzly Bear.” I then learned that I was about ten years too late. Papa Bear was gone and the chance to show him who I had become was lost.

Maybe it’s strange to grieve so deeply for a man I only met once, but he had the power to turn an invisible girl into somebody important, even if only for a few hours. He had a wisdom and patience unlike any I have come across since. I spent years wondering what my life would have been like had this man raised me like he was willing to do without a second thought. I wondered who I might have become. I think he knew though, even though it wasn’t perfect, I needed to be with my mother. So he retrieved her from that place inside her that was causing her to run away and he returned her to me, even if just for a time. Today we have a very close relationship even after years of hiccups and separation. I don’t think we’d have that without the wisdom of Papa Bear.

Listen to the Grizzly Bear and do not be afraid. Learn from his wisdom and grow. His words are true and he knows you better than you know yourself. Rest in peace, Papa Bear. I still hope to make you proud someday.