Divorce sucks even when you are glad to be out of the
relationship. I think there’s a period in which we lie to ourselves to ease the
transition. My marriage certainly wasn't full of comfort and togetherness…at
least not the last few years of it. I grew cold toward him and he did the same.
However, even when you are miserable you have the illusion of comfort. When
something difficult or painful was happening other than the marriage itself,
there was still usually a shoulder or warm arms to wrap myself up in and
pretend that there was comfort…pretend that everything would be okay. Now when
everything is not okay, there is no masking it with hugs. There is no illusion
of protection from the partner who really isn't my partner. The harshness of
everything is right there and I have to deal with it.
To ease the trauma, we might tell ourselves that significant
others are more trouble than they are worth and that we really don’t want to
deal with that shit anymore. It’s true that I don’t NEED a man and to have one
too soon would be damaging and confusing. To say I don’t want one though isn't
entirely true. I’m not looking to be taken care of. I’m too prideful for that.
Sex is fun and I do miss a good go-round, but that’s not it either. To have
someone play with my hair, to hold me when tragedy shakes my world, to have
those conversations that we only have with a partner while cooking dinner,
having coffee in the morning with messy hair and bad breath, or maybe while
cuddling on the sofa…that’s what I miss and it was missing from my marriage for
a long time. I miss emotional intimacy. I miss knowing that there was someone
to talk to without pulling anyone away from their world because that person was
part of MY world.
I don’t need a man. I don’t need a relationship and right
now that would be bad for me. But I’d be lying if I said that sometimes I don’t
want one…just to ease the sting. This is a rite of passage, I suppose. I’ve
always been independent and content to spend time alone. But sometimes when
alone is the only option…alone can turn to lonely. Maybe when Violet is old
enough to discuss her day in more detail it won’t be so bad. Maybe as time
continues to pass I won’t want to be with anyone other than her at all. But one
day, she’ll move on to live her own life which is what I want for her.
Don’t get me wrong, I love being able to call the shots at
home. I like having MY territory. As the ghost of my marriage still haunts me,
I am rebelling against what was by becoming what I want to be. I am stirring up
the what-is to create the what-will-be. One day maybe I’ll have someone to
share that with. Right now what I really want is to be happy alone. I don’t
need anyone but I don’t want to want anyone either.
The apartment complex has been repaving the parking lot.
Today as I stood in the middle of it under the afternoon sun, what is usually
filled with cars and residents moving about, was more like a desolate ghost
town. The pavement was new and smooth, waiting for the lines to be painted.
Ready but not ready. Renewed but unfinished. Maybe I just need to remember that
it’s only going to feel like this until my lines are painted.
