Blood, Tears, and the Pain of Young Love

It was in high school. I think I was 16. I had a boyfriend at the time...my first. But there was a friend who my father didn't like. A boy who had a shitty family life. There was something about him, and it wasn't just because he was a black sheep. True, he was a bit of a troublemaker but back then, I had a way with finding the beauty in some troublemakers. Somehow they would come to trust me. One day I learned he had run away from home and no one knew where he was. I remember sitting in my English class crying my eyes out to a friend. He was so very dear to me and I'm pretty sure I loved him. A few days later he came walking up to my front yard. I saw him through the large picture window of our living room and before he could reach the front door, I flew out to greet him, almost falling into his arms. Apparently he heard that I had been crying over him, so he returned home. I was good to my boyfriend, but kept this boy as a close friend. I remember how we would spend hours on the phone and sometimes he'd play songs on his stereo and hold the phone to it so I could hear. One day I went to his house. His mother was sweet but I knew his father was a tyrant and I'm glad he was not there. As an apology for causing me pain, he played me this song. It was the first time hearing it for me. It made me fall in love with Danzig...and I think maybe with him. As much love as a teenage girl can feel for a boy anyway. When I had to move away from Utah, I remember seeing him. I remember standing outside his house in the dark as we held onto one another. I cried into his chest and he stroked my hair in a way that no one ever had. We did see each other again and after I had broken up with my boyfriend, he took his place. He traveled the miles to Oregon for a visit. I almost gave him my virginity at that time, but I wasn't ready and he was sweet about it. It was some time later, not too long, that I broke his heart. He had left his abusive home, made the trip again to see me with a suitcase in his hand. He said he was back to stay. He said he had come back for me. By this time, I had become terrified of my feelings. Love scared me back then, and I had a habit of running from it for a long time. I was cruel to him and I sent him away, informing him that I did not wish to see him. I had become so uncertain and so afraid....and then horribly guilty. When I broke his heart, I broke mine too. 

I don't know what happened to you. I don't know where you are. I know you will never see this, but I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I hope you are happy. I hope your life is wonderful and I hope that you forgive me. I am happy. I have a family. I stopped crying for you years ago, but every time I hear this song my heart does still bleed just a little bit. 

The Importance of Hardship and Sharing

Surgery went well and I am on a LOT of pain pills. Each day I feel a little better, even though I'm tired most of the time. I can only raise my left arm straight out in front, lower on the side, and above my head is out of the question. My physical therapist has ordered me to do nothing more vigorous than typing and beading, as far as my arms are concerned. Dr. Gabriel agrees with this, but he has also ordered me to get some exercise, such as going for short walks. The hardest part is not being able to pick up Violet. Instead, I sit on the floor and give her hugs and kisses. Sometimes she sits in my lap. There's still much to do as far as reconstruction is concerned, and I'm not just talking about my breasts.

Under Reconstruction

Well here it is. Tomorrow I go in for the surgery I've actually been excited about. Tomorrow breast reconstruction begins. I am positively giddy!!!